It's Complicated

2/13/2009

http://i215.photobucket.com/albums/cc133/moonchld999/WeepingAngel2.jpg

Life can be messy, and death can strike when our relationships are in flux.  Many families have to deal with unresolved relationship issues on top of the grief they are feeling.  How we feel about a person's right to make decisions, or even be present at funeral services often depends on which party we are closest to, and not necessarily what might be legal or fair for everyone.  In addition, the complicated and volatile feelings of grief and loss can further polarize and dramatize  the situation.

When someone we love dies, we can react by becoming very possessive.  In our loss, we grasp on to our memories, even complicated ones, and feel that we own all the grief.  Sometimes we get to the point where we resent the grief of those those we see as competitors.  Though the situation demands generosity and understanding, we have a very difficult time giving up more because we've already lost so much.

Most often, the situation is something like this:

A couple has split up, but the deceased has not married their current companion.  Therefore, the adult children and/or the former spouse hold the cards.  The current companion of the deceased feels that they should have the right to make decisions, but legally they have no rights.  Their presence would make the legal spouse and children very uncomfortable, but they have a need to grieve and participate as well.

or,

A couple is divorced, and the deceased has remarried.  In this case, the new spouse holds the power and the children and former spouse of the deceased may be denied their opportunity to grieve and participate. 

It's easy to see how many of us could end up on either side of this situation, depending on just when death strikes.  I advise families in this situation to be as generous as they can be to those who have no decision making power, because the shoe could easily be on the other foot. 

As an undertaker, I am bound to follow the wishes of my client.  Most often this is the legal next of kin, or if there is more than one at the same level of kinship, the person who has engaged my services and has agreed to pay for them.   I am also bound to obey the law, which means that at a public funeral, I can request that people stay away in respect for the family, but I cannot keep them from attending.  In any case, it is a heart wrenching task to even ask a grieving person to leave a funeral.  I have seen too many partners without the title of 'widow', or other 'left-out' relatives come up to the grave to weep after the 'real' family has left, and I know that many relatives and loved ones have had to deal with their grief privately when services have not included them.

https://eee.uci.edu/clients/sbklein/images/NOH/nohmasks/pages/fukai.htm

Japanese  Noh mask of a grieving woman

When I was a child, my parents separated for a couple of years and then reunited.  Soon afterward, my father died.  I distinctly remember that at his memorial service, there was a woman that no one seemed to know, who sat in the back of the funeral parlor.  She may have just been a former student of his, but if she had been closer to my father, I'm glad she was at least able to attend.  Certainly, she didn't call attention to herself or do any 'showboating'.  Sometimes, as my mother has often said, discretion is the better part of valor.  Many families are mature enough to call temporary truce, and allow everyone at least a limited role in the funeral.  

In the past, I have posted advice given by Award-winning Vanity Fair writer and hospice volunteer, Judy Bachrach.  Judy's advice can also be seen on her web site, theCheckoutline.org, and on Wednesdays on Obit magazine  .  Here is her advice on a difficult situation.

http://media.knoxnews.com/

Dear Judy,

Please don’t use my real name or anything similar to my name. I live in a medium-sized town in the South and everyone here gossips. My problem is the man I’ve been quietly seeing for 2 years died suddenly (thrombosis). It was a big shock, not just to me, but to everyone here.  His funeral is in a few days, and it will be a big event because he was so prominent and he comes from a prominent family too.

He was married and he has 3 kids, all in high school or middle school, and I don’t want to cause a fuss at the funeral. But I do want to go. My best friend says I shouldn’t because the wife might know all about us (gossipy town, as I mentioned) and she might throw a fit. She’s that kind of person.

But I think after a 2-year relationship with a man I loved,  I’ve got as much a right to mourn him as she does. Don’t you?

 Theresa

Dear Theresa,

You of course have a right to mourn a close friend. What you don’t have the right to do — given the nature of the town you live in — is come to his funeral and provoke even more gossip.  I’m guessing you’re probably right: the widow knows all about you and your relationship with her late husband – or at least as much as she cares to know. Your feelings toward her are your own business.  But they are not her kids’ business. Whatever these bereaved teenagers  may or may not suspect about their father, a funeral is not the time or occasion to clarify details.

Stay at home. Since your relationship was private, you’re grieving has to be done exactly the same way.

 Thank you for writing

Judy

 http://www.thecheckoutline.org/advice/hes-dead-and-i-cant-go-to-the-funeral/

On the Streets: Graffiti Memorials

8/26/09 
At a recent industry conference, I heard several stories of children carving their initials into trees used as evidence of our natural need for being remembered. This wasn't an official discussion topic, just casual conversations among funeral professionals, but it got me thinking.

What can we learn from graffiti memorials?

Rest in peace - until we meet again

I don't endorse or condone the alteration of another's property without their permission, and I'd be the first person to complain if our funeral home was vandalized. Right or wrong though, graffiti sometimes speaks for those who lack the means, but not the creativity to communicate something important. What these pieces tell me, is that there is a basic human need to memorialize our dead. It is important enough that some people risk jail time to paint a piece that says, "this person mattered to me, this life was important and I want everyone to know about it, I remember a unique person who changed my life, my loss is painful and it matters".

The young man who memorialized his friend on this wall is facing criminal charges. He apologized to the business owners, but also said of his friend "he was one of the most beautiful people I've ever known"

When New Zealand Green Activist Rod Donald died, a supporter put up this message, but not everyone in the party was pleased about it.

The writing on the wall

The families in our society choose more and more to deal with grieving on their own. Funeral processions and services are described as gaudy, or just for show. People say they want to remember on their own, to celebrate rather than mourn. I think that the graffiti shown here should remind us that there is a strong need for us to have a public facet to our grief experience. We need people to acknowledge what has been lost and understand that our lives have been touched and changed.

A familiar face is no longer in all the places we once saw it.

What happens when we do not allow ourselves a public expression of our loss at a funeral or memorial service? We have an un-met need. We don't get the support and empathy of our friends and neighbors. We have something burning in the back of our throat, but we haven't let it out, so we find ourselves unable to really move beyond it.

I'm not crazy about graffiti, but it does allow those without a voice to be heard, and maybe there would be less of it on the walls and trains of our world if families took the time and effort to have meaningful funerals.

Graffiti can be used for protest as well as memorialization. In January, I posted a story on Ghost Bikes, bicycles that are painted white and chained to the places where bicyclists have been killed by automobiles. Here are two more ways that victims are memorialized on the streets of the world. The photos above are from a public awareness campaign in Portugal, reminding pedestrians and motorists alike that 1/4 of the victims of traffic fatalities are pedestrians. The names of pedestrians who have died make up the bars in these crosswalks. Strictly speaking, this is not graffiti because permission was given for the installations. In fact, an insurance company sponsored the campaign.

This photo is from Guatemala, where white crosses were painted on the streets on July 11, 2009 to protest and to remember.

"Today, the principle roads of the city appeared painted with white crosses, an action of the Civic National Movement to remember the victims of violence and impunity." Prensa Libre http://bit.ly/BKrM6

via Boing Boing http://www.boingboing.net/2009/06/11/guatemala-white-cros.html

So what can we learn from graffiti memorials?

Each life matters and each loss needs to be acknowleged.

R.I.P.

Biker Funeral

http://www.theage.com.au/national/bikies-honour-slain-rebel-rick-20090330-9h21.html

Procession for 'Rebel Rick'

Love bikers, or hate them, but you have to admit they know how to throw a funeral. Even before the advent of motorcycle hearses, bikers put on impressive processions mixing military and tribal elements into very memorable -if scary- ceremonies.  The phenomenon is not limited to the United States, as this series of excerpts from articles on the funeral services for New Zealand / Australian "Bikie", "Rebel Rick" shows.  I think we could all learn something from the bikers about how to make funerals meaningful.

Biker Ring

Window panes shuddered across the nation's capital as 380 members of the outlaw motorcycle gang the Rebels rode through town to honour a slain club hardman.  Rebels leader Alex Vella had summoned members of the Rebels — the nation's largest bikie gang — from all over the country to come to Canberra yesterday to honour Richard John Roberts, 57, known as "Rebel Rick", a convicted drug dealer and "enforcer" for the club.  The large convoy, which stretched for kilometres, travelled from the nearby town of Queanbeyan through some of the busiest streets of Canberra stopping only for a one-minute silent vigil along the way. Police blocked off roads and escorted the convoy for much of the journey.

- from  http://www.theage.com.au/national/bikies-honour-slain-rebel-rick-20090330-9h21.html

http://tattoos-and-art.com/wp-content/gallery/skull-tattoos/13-skull-tattoo-66922.jpg

Slain Rebel motorcycle gang member Richard John Roberts took his last ride yesterday.  His coffin, covered in red and white roses, travelled on a side car in a procession of about 380 bikies escorted by police through Canberra to the Norwood Park Crematorium.  The 57-year-old - known as "Rebel Rick" - and fellow club member Gregory Carrigan, 48, were shot dead in the Canberra suburb of Chisholm last Tuesday. About 700 members of the Rebel motorcycle gang, dressed in full colours, gathered to pay their respects to Roberts, the former president of the West Australian chapter of the gang.  They were joined by about 300 friends and family members, including Roberts's sons Ricky, 15, and Ryan, 13, their mother, Bev, and Roberts's girlfriend.

 

The coffin carrying Roberts, who was born in New Zealand, was greeted with a rousing haka as club members formed a guard of honour in front of the crematorium.  During the journey to the crematorium, the bikies stopped and took their helmets off for one minute as a mark of respect.

Rebels national president Alex Vella said the death of his friend had nothing to do with tensions in Sydney following a brawl at the airport between the Hells Angels and Comancheros, during which 29-year-old Anthony Zervas was bludgeoned to death.  "It's a sad day for the family and the Rebels," Mr Vella said. "He was a hard-working man, a heart of gold ... he was respected by many people."  Roberts's good friend "Pappa" remembered him as a hard man with a big heart, who was always the last to leave a bar.  "He was feared by those who didn't know him and loved by those who did," he said.  "Rebel Rick was one of those blokes who had a certain something about him. Rebels knew it, chicks knew it, and he knew it."  The grandfather of Roberts's children, John Parker SC, said Roberts had been a loving and good father. "He was a hard nut with a soft centre," he said.  Members of the crowd, which spilled outside the crematorium, wept as Roberts's favourite song, My Way, was played. After the funeral, there was a deafening roar and a cloud of petrol fumes as the Rebels drove off to their clubhouse in Canberra's Fyshwick for a wake.  An ACT police spokeswoman said both the funeral and the procession were incident-free.

-from   http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,25197,25267215-12339,00.html

 http://www.stuff.co.nz/nz-newspapers/west-coast-6013/news-6662/2302932/Kiwi-bikie-Rebel-Rick-farewelled

"Rebel Rick" Memorial Folder

Bikies from Rebels chapters as far away as southeastern Victoria, the NSW central coast, Gundagai and Sydney attended the funeral.  Earlier, a procession of more than 300 bikies and an empty hearse moved through the northern suburbs of Canberra from a Rebels clubhouse in Queanbeyan to the Norwood Park Crematorium under police escort.  The coffin containing Roberts' body was carried on a sidecar.  A police car stood by as the bikies, most of them wearing helmets, ran a red light at the entrance to the crematorium.  Roberts and Gregory Carrigan, 48, were shot dead outside a southern Canberra house last week. Police have charged 20-year-old Russell Field with their murders.  The slayings were initially thought to be an explosion of violence between outlaw bikie gangs, but a long-time Rebels member has said they resulted from a bitter ''love triangle''.  A spokeswoman for ACT police said the funeral and the procession through Canberra on Monday morning were incident-free.

The funeral was held as the NSW government is considering introducing tough new laws aimed at stamping out violent bikie gangs.  The proposed laws would allow police to apply to the Supreme Court for an order to prohibit members identified in an outlaw motorcycle gang from associating with each other.

 http://www.stuff.co.nz/nz-newspapers/west-coast-6013/news-6662/2302932/Kiwi-bikie-Rebel-Rick-farewelled

Je me souveins: Obit TV

The cost of printed obituaries is skyrocketing, newspapers in major markets are being abandoned, and obituaries are even being prepared for both newspapers and broadcast television. So, how can we keep our death news and revitalize TV? Montreal entrepreneur Gerald Dominique has an idea, the obituary channel. Germany already has a death oriented television channel, and if Dominique's plan works out, Canada may be next.

There are certainly many options for listing obituaries local funeral home sites, as well as national and worldwide sites like Tributes.com , Legacy.com, Making Everlasting Memories, andIn Loving Memory, but the real draw for obituaries is a local and immediate one. We want to know who in our own community has passed away, and when the services will be held- no matter which funeral home is serving the family. The old joke of years past of reading the obituaries in the paper to see if we are still alive may no longer make sense to a new generation who will turn on the TV to see if they are still on the right side of the ground (do you realize how hard it is to convince someone born after 1980 that TV wasn't always in color and we used to get up to turn the channel to one of the other two choices?).

Here is an excerpt from an article on CTV:

MONTREAL — A Quebec entrepreneur is planning to bring obituaries out of the back pages of newspapers to a new home on the small screen.  Gerald Dominique hopes "Je me souviens" -- a niche network dedicated to broadcasting digital obituaries -- will be ready to begin broadcasting by the summer.  The French-language speciality channel will charge a fee to broadcast obituaries, prayers, hospitalization notices and messages of thanks.  The Quebec entrepreneur obtained a licence in February from the CRTC and has designs on expanding the channel to the rest of the country, under the moniker "Remember the Name."  "The goal of this channel is to tell stories," Dominique said in an interview with The Canadian Press.  "How many stories are lost all over the world each year -- great stories about people's lives -- those are the stories we hope to tell."

Dominique said he'd often hear about people passing away but that the information would be fragmented or cursory.  "There is always the exchange of information (among friends and family) , but it never makes it into the paper which offers only one dimension of the story and it costs a fortune," Dominique said.  "I felt the need to do more."

Dominique said the TV obits will include sound, music, photos, video, text and testimonials and will cost about the same as a newspaper obit.  Eventually, there will also be obits and memorials for more famous personalities, including political figures and celebrities.  Dominique estimates there are about 56,000 deaths yearly in Quebec, and even a fraction of those stories could provide the revenue he needs.

Obituary television is relatively new.

Etos TV, one of the world's first television networks devoted to death, launched last year inGermany with quite a bit of fanfare.  That network shows pictures and video clips of the deceased for a fee and broadcasts documentaries on related topics. It is backed by an association that represents German funeral directors.

Dominique, 44, who describes himself as a self-educated entrepreneur, is firming up plans for the launch.  He doesn't have the same type of financial backing yet as the Germans do, and Dominique acknowledges he will need some assistance.

"Certainly I'd like to have some help -- I'm not sure what kind -- but I would need some help," Dominique said. "But if the planets align, I should be on the air in July."

for the full article, visit CTV News at  

http://www.cp24.com/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20090311/090311_obituary_channel/20090311/?hub=CP24Entertainment

Gerald Dominique

From The Montreal Gazette:

Dominique, who works as a web designer and consultant, noted the idea of putting obituaries on television came after he attended several funerals over the years that left him longing for more. With his channel, Dominique wants to give family and friends an opportunity to broadcast more information about their deceased loved ones — for an undisclosed amount of money.

David Foot, a University of Toronto economics professor and author of Boom, Bust and Echo, noted baby boomers, who are the largest demographic group in Canada, have a big influence on the funeral services market. "The baby boomers are dealing with their aging parents. So this is targeting the boomers for their parents funerals and their parents' friends funerals," he said.  Foot also noted that people in their 70s and 80s are also likely to watch a channel such as that because they watch more television the older they get.  "What I don't know is the psychological impact of something like this. Are people going to find it morbid or respectful?"

 Nathalie Samson, secretary general of the Quebec Corporation of Funeral Directors, shares the same concern.  "It would have to be done in a very tasteful way," she said. "But it could be a good idea because we see more and more tribute videos and photographs at funeral homes and on YouTube," Samson pointed out.  Trends regarding the funeral industry in Canada show families are seeking personalized and meaningful ceremonies that celebrate the life of the deceased, she noted. Her association, as well as the Quebec Cooperative of Funeral Homes, have not been contacted by Dominique about the TV obituary project.

 Dominique said he talked to a few funeral home owners who "really liked the idea".  "I think there is definitely a market for this. Funeral homes and related services don't have anywhere to advertise," he said, noting that it represents a market of $320 million a year in Quebec.  Viewers who tune into Je me souviens would also see documentaries on the life of popular or important individuals.

"My goal is that no death goes unnoticed," Dominique said.

For this full article, visit the Montreal Gazette at 

http://www.montrealgazette.com/Death/1375054/story.html

The Cremains of the Day: A look at words in funeral service

Euphemisms abound in funeral service. As Hugh Rawson explains in one of my most favorite books, Euphemisms & Other Double Talk (Crown Publishers NY, 1981), words that are used to describe unpleasant things begin to take on an unpleasant connotation themselves. Before long, the word itself seems to be the bad thing. This is the case with many of the four letter words we try not to utter, innocent words of great age and provenance that honestly describe their subject are eventually considered derogatory, and are then replaced with obscure quasi-latin and semi-medical terms or with flowery hints at the real subject.

An example of the flowery would be 'passed away'. This term is used when what is really meant is 'died'. By not actually saying 'died', but meaning it, we think we are being gentle. What we're also doing, however, is adding to the unhealthy denial of death that our society suffers from (and by we, I certainly include myself - most obituaries I draft contain that euphemism). A quasi-latin example of a euphemism is 'deceased'. Clearly we mean 'dead' or 'the dead'. If we all know what we're talking about, why must we substitute a vague obscurity instead of plain language? Well, we think we're being polite, and perhaps no profession is more concerned with the niceties of language and avoiding offense than the 'death care industry'.

The simple fact is that feelings are effected and affected by one's choice of words, especially in mourning. Funeral Directors are correct in using the most polite and least offensive words to describe an often delicate situation. What matters emotionally is not where the word came from etymologically, but how it feels to the person hearing it. I might feel that a certain four letter word has unfairly been painted as a derogatory term because it describes something that our culture is uncomfortable with, but I don't use that term when it will hurt the feelings and sensibilities of others.

A funeral director is similarly bound by consideration to avoid words that will injure or upset, but what should not be lost in all of this, is that at some point we need to use the words that force us to confront the unpleasant reality. At some point the grieving need to say 'died' 'death' 'dead' and leave the flowery and the obscure behind.

Speaking of funeral directors, the names of some professions take on a negative or derogatory connotation because of society's squeamishness about the work they do. Examples of this are sanitary engineer (garbage man), janitor (cleaning woman or man), and mortician. These terms can change pretty rapidly as the taint of the occupation seeps rapidly into it's title. Hugh Rawson gives the term 'mortician' credit for being the first to ape the glamor of 'physician'. It inspired others such as 'beautician' and 'cosmetician' which in turn dragged 'mortician' down from it's lofty heights. I'm sure you can guess which term I prefer- 'undertaker'. 'Undertaker' is an interesting title and often misunderstood. Most assume that it comes from taking the dead under (the ground). In fact, we learned at 'Mortuary' school that it originates from contractors undertaking to provide the goods and services desired for funerals. I prefer 'undertaker' because of it's history, but even more because everyone knows what you mean when you say 'undertaker' (even if they don't know the word's origins).

Calling a heart a heart, and a club a club, brings us to another type of word that abounds in funeral service- jargon. Jargon describes technical words that are generally only used and understood by those in a certain trade or profession (where you want to draw the line between trade and profession is a particularly ticklish subject in 'the dismal trade'). Jargon is used in place of plain English outside of professional circles out of laziness, and sometimes a desire to impress the common folk with 5 dollar words. Neither of these are desirable in funeral service, so we are taught to avoid terms such as 'DC' for death certificate, 'post' for postmortem examination (autopsy) and 'cremains'. The term 'cremains' is a particularly despicable combination of euphemism and jargon and means 'cremated remains'. I don't know who came up with this term- probably the same ad-man who coined 'cran-tastic', but it purports to be a gentler way to refer to cremated remains. Since it's funeral director jargon, though, many people don't even know what it means.

I was taught not to use the terms cremains (which like ain't, really is in the dictionary) or 'ashes' to describe cremated remains. 'Ashes' was to be avoided because the term might lead people to believe that the cremated remains they receive will have the consistency of ashes, and then may be shocked into legal action when they discover that, in fact, they have the consistency of dry cement. 'Ashes' are not ashes, but in fact are the skeletal remains left behind after cremation. This material is processed into a more uniform consistency that approximates dry cement. Please forgive me, Professor Malcom, but I have finally taken to using the term 'Ashes' because people are comfortable with it, and like 'undertaker' everyone knows what you mean when you say 'Ashes'.

(Euthanism is a term I have coined for polite words regarding death)

A Note in her Pocket

12/20/2008
I was preparing a lady for her burial the other day in the clothes she had set out for that purpose. Her husband had passed away years ago, and she didn't have any children or close relatives. In fact, she was buried without a service beforehand, as was her wish. As I placed her coat on her, I noticed that there was something in the pocket. It was a letter to her husband, written on the back of an old faded black and white photo from their wedding day over 60 years ago. They were dressed as people often dressed for their weddings just after the war, when few could afford a wedding dress or fancy service. Her husband wore a dark suit and she wore a gray one with large flowers in her hair. In a cheerful tone, she told him how she looked forward to seeing him again, to being together to laugh and listen to music together once more. She told him that only God and the two of them knew how deeply they loved one another.

Sometimes I feel very lucky to be an undertaker. The hours are terrible, but I bet rock stars and senators don't get to find notes like that at their jobs.

The Case of the Catholic Casket

Giottino's Pietà of San Remigio. ca. 1365, Tempera on wood, 195 x 134 cm, Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Giottino_pieta.jpg

"In the winter of '95, my bedridden father was preparing for his impending death. As the town's longtime independent Baptist minister, he had helped countless families in their grief. In his mind, by taking care of his own funeral arrangements, his family wouldn't have to do a thing. So he worked it all out with his friend, Neil, the longtime mortician from the funeral home across the river. One of my seven siblings lived in town, so Dad sent John over to Neil's place to select the casket, knowing that he's also friends with Neil and his younger partner. A couple of weeks later, I was in town, and Dad asked me, the eldest, to go approve John's choice.The casket was adorned on opposite corners with exquisite wood relief carvings of da Vinci's Last Supper and Michelangelo's Pieta, one pair at each end. I reported back that John had made a wonderful choice, as I described these iconic carvings. Having seen the Pieta in Rome's St. Peter's Basilica, Dad was immensely pleased, and so was I. At Eastertime, still at home, in his last lucid moments, Dad started to tell us a funny story about kicking the bucket. Laughing with him, we asked whether he was finished with the story, but its punch line slipped away with him. Later that evening we called Neil, wanting him to pick Dad up. That he had lost a dear friend was plain for all of us to see.The next afternoon brought fireworks. A longtime member of the church Dad had served rang the doorbell, and before she was through the door, burst out, I don't understand why Carl would have Neil do his funeral. Why is Carl going across the river to the Catholic funeral home? What's wrong with the Protestant one on this side? I just don't understand! We were all startled, as Dad's choice had seemed most natural, given his long friendship with Neil. Her outrage switched on a light bulb in my mind, and only then did I catch a glimpse of the significance of what had been chosen. It was a Catholic casket. Yes, an unadorned cross had replaced the crucifix, but the casket's imagery was unmistakably traditional, very catholic, if you will. At the visitation the next day, Neil pulled me aside, wanting us to know how his friendship with Dad had started. Years ago, he had purchased a very old funeral business that had been run into the ground. That first year, he did only six funerals, but Dad knew of his plight. Neil's words to me were, If it weren't for your dad, I wouldn't have succeeded in this business. Dad had directed business his way, helping him gain the footing he so desperately needed. We children had no idea of this basis of their friendship. Then John told his story about choosing the casket. It had caught his eye immediately, as the most prominently displayed piece there. After wondering what people would think and viewing other caskets, it dawned on him that this casket would not even have been there for anyone else. Neil had specifically ordered this coffin for Dad. Surely it symbolized their beautiful friendship, and we suspect that Dad knew. The next day, with grateful hearts, we proudly followed that Catholic casket up the aisle of the Baptist church. Dad's ministry had bridged many rivers, serving non-Baptists and the unchurched, helping persons who lived on society's margins. In Neil, he had found a soulmate."

Nelson Hart for The Holland, MI Sentinel
http://www.hollandsentinel.com/lifestyle_religion/x1720644776/COLUMN-My-father-s-casket

The Needs of the Grieving

Inconsolable Grief (1884)Ivan Kramskoy

http://www.auburn.edu/forlang/russian/art/kramskoy-grief.html

In an article about Grief support in Sudbury, Ontario, funeral director, Gerry M. Lougheed, Jr. describes very clearly the needs of those in grief through his own experience.

"As a funeral director for the past 33 years, I have a lot of head knowledge. I believe I am a good and empathetic professional whose efforts are, at best, a catalyst to the grieving process. At worst, I am an event planner.
But it was when my mother died I discovered what I really needed to be -- an advocate of matters of the heart. I need to amplify the little voice in each of us, which sometimes is deafened at death by circumstances or well-meaning but over-controlling family and friends.
When mom died, I cried. I needed to express my hurt,
When Mom died, I needed to do things, tasks empowered me,
When Mom died, I needed you to be there with your expressions of care and friendship,
When Mom died, I needed to tell my stories and hear your stories about her.
When Mom died, I needed a gathering to speak, to sing to sorrow and to celebrate.
Her death was a natural experience. She died of a blood clot from her cancer drugs.
I was normal in my needs. I needed hands to hug me. I needed heads that would listen to my stories about me and my mom without judgment or hurry. I needed hearts that felt my hurt by letting me confront, not avoid, the hard work of mourning.
It is these hands, heads and hearts that help us journey through the valley of the shadow of death, realizing we are not breaking trail but following the well-trodden path of being a person who loves and is loved."


for the full text visit http://www.thesudburystar.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=1277115

Behind the Collar: Funerals from the Vicar's perspective

http://churchdancewear.com/images/prod-images/PastorCollarCase-PM.jpg

David Keen is a vicar in Yeovil who also writes a blog. Here is his perspective on the funeral process.


Taking a funeral is one of the hardest things I do. Having two in one day on Tuesday all but wiped me out for the rest of the week. It starts with a phone call from the undertakers - we have some very good ones in Yeovil, and it's no reflection on them that my heart sinks every time they ring up. Taking someone's funeral is an immense privilege, but I'd be lying if I said it was my favourite part of being a vicar. A few details down the phone, then you ring the family to arrange to meet up. Having to ring someone you've never met, out of the blue, to express condolence and to fix a meeting normally means I put the call off for a day. I'd be hopeless in telesales, ringing people up isn't something I find very easy, never mind judging exactly what to say.

The Visit

Then we meet, and most of the time is spent scribbling down notes - often folk launch into their summary of the deceased persons life before you've even sat down, and it's vital to capture all of those words. I always breathe a sigh of relief if someone from the family offers to give the tribute, because if they don't then it's my job to stand up and tell the life story - usually a story of a person I've never known or met. Normally in the funeral service I'm very up front with the fact that I didn't know the person, and that I'm not going to pretend that I knew them. At one funeral, of the youngest of 6 brothers, each of the other 5 had written down their own words for the vicar to say, and my job was to edit all 5 accounts together and deliver the tribute. They bought me a pint afterwards, so it must have gone okay. I try to use the words that mourners themselves use, rather than try to read between the lines - this isn't a time for guessing games. At the funeral visit you're trying to gauge mood as well: emotions can range all over the place. Family splits come to the surface, and the occasional skeleton emerges from the closet. There's a whole mix of emotions: grief, relief, numbness, anger, exhilaration, guilt, you name it. And for the bereaved, questions. Did we do enough for them? Were we there at the moment of death? Is it ok to feel relieved that they're not suffering any more? Is it ok to feel relieved that we don't have to look after them 24/7 any more? And for the vicar, how do you reassure people truthfully when you don't really know the circumstances?

The Service

The funeral service is normally booked into a 30 minute slot at the crematorium. That actually means 20 minutes for the service itself. One of the first ones I took had so many mourners that we were still filling the building 10 minutes after the start time. There's normally both laughter and tears at a 'good' funeral - both are ways of releasing grief, and the incredible pressure and weight that can build up. Funny stories are great. It's a fine line - you want to celebrate the good things in someone's life, as well as recognise the deep grief and loss that people are feeling. Being remorselessly downbeat isn't helpful, being chirpy isn't helpful either. There are some standard Bible readings for funerals, but where possible I try to find something new, which linked to the persons life: for a man who had worked on trawlers at Grimsby, we had an encounter between Jesus and Peter the fisherman. If folk have asked for a vicar, and a Christian funeral, then I want to set everything in the context of the Christian faith. Old, familiar words (Psalm 23, the Lords Prayer) often help, but also how you say them. Sometimes it feels like you're having faith and hope on behalf of other people who haven't got them, but need someone to have more faith than they do. Over the years I've become more challenging - trying to pick out the things in the deceased's life that folk can be inspired by, trying to give some sense of hope or direction for the future. For many people a funeral reminds them of their own mortality, how long they might have left (especially at an untimely death), and how they're going to be remembered. What are people going to say about you at your funeral?

And then...

The service is a threshold, a final farewell, a marker post in the grief journey, and if you botch it then you can really mess people up. I'm all for children being in the service if they want to come - kids who are kept away when they wanted to be there will often feel a strong sense of unfinished business. And it's over in no time, people are filing out, shaking hands, looking at the messages on the flowers, wondering quite what to say to each other. And for the vicar it's back to the little office to take off your robes, pack everything away, and head off to the next thing. My journey home on Tuesday morning took me via the parent and toddler group - from one end of life to the other in 5 minutes



David Keen is a vicar in Yeovil with a brief to start new churches and explore 'new ways of being church'. visit his blog for the complete text of this post at http://davidkeen.blogspot.com/

Six Things Your Funeral Director Won't Tell You

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The following is a list of things that your funeral director will not ever say to you. Why? Because funeral directors are professionals who focus on the needs of the grieving family, and will not trouble them by discussing the difficulties they encounter by providing exceptional service when it is needed most.

1. The visitation is over. It's time for everyone to leave. Visitation times are scheduled to provide a basic time frame for the gathering, but families often find that they want to continue visiting with their guests for an hour or more after the visitiation is scheduled to end. This is encouraged by the staff and there is no additional charge for the extra time.



2. We can't have your service on that day, we've already got two services going on then. Funeral services are scheduled for the convenience of the family, and although the funeral home may need to hire additional vehicles or staff for additional services on the same day, the wishes of the family will be accomodated without additional charge or comment.



3. I'm sorry, but I can't meet with you today because it's a holiday, or because we only work from 9 to 5, or I can't drive out to your house to meet with you. We meet with families when and where it is convenient for them whether this means meeting after hours or at whatever location meets the needs of the family. There is no additional charge for this service.



4. Because of the number of guests expected, there will be an additional staff charge. Large funerals require additional staff and equipment to run smoothly, but this charge is not passed on to the family.



5. There will be a fee for transporting your flowers to nursing homes around town / to your home after the service/ to church for the service. The funeral home moves flowers from the chapel, to church, to the graveside, to the family home, and to nursing homes and hospice at the request and for the convenience of the family without additional charge.



6. There will be an additional charge for transporting your loved one from the place of death because: Their size requires additional staff and equipment/ It's Christmas morning / We will have to make additional trips because the family decided that they needed more time. Death takes place at any time, and the transport of the deceased can be complicated by many factors including time and location. We are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and promise to be patient, compassionate, helpful and discreet. The long hours we work are never a topic of our conversation with a family. The director may have been up all night working, may have another arrangement to make soon, or may spend extra hours past a scheduled service or visitation, but when meeting with you, their focus is on your needs, not theirs.

Jazz Funeral 'Just a Closer Walk with Thee'

New Orleans Jazz Funeral for tuba player Kerwin James from onenawlins via YouTube

As a funeral director, watching this makes me cringe at the possiblility of the casket being dropped, but the beauty of this ritual and love expressed by it are inspiring. The video is a bit long, but I think you'll find yourself watching it over and over as I did.