Beyond Goodbye: A Conversation with Jimmy Edmonds and Jane Harris

A video tribute to any promising and well loved young man is a touching experience that helps us to reflect on that which is most important in our lives.  Remembering Josh, a film by bereaved parents, Jimmy Edmonds and Jane Harris, is much more than that.

What Remembering Josh gives us, beyond an emotionally powerful montage, is a story of a family struggling to create a meaningful and appropriate service for their son, while dealing with their overwhelming and devastating grief.  The fact that this family is a very creative and loving one, surrounded by other creative and loving friends makes the service for Josh an incredible experience for all involved.  However, it is easy to see how even families without their capacity for artistic expression or their depth of support could take home a great deal of inspiration and practical lessons from the Edmonds’ example.  I am excited to share with you a conversation with these parents, Jimmy Edmonds and Jane Harris.  

Pat McNally: Thank you both so much for this important  film, and for sharing your thoughts on The Daily Undertaker.  It seems that you were clear from the beginning that a conventional service just would not be fitting, meaningful, or appropriate for your son.  I even got the impression that that kind of funeral would have been a disservice in your minds.  What was it about the conventional that was so clearly wrong for Josh, and what kind of experience were you hoping for initially?

Jimmy Edmonds: The main issue was our need to celebrate Joshua’s life as much as to mourn his death.  We had very little experience of  attending let alone organizing a funeral for one so young, and really we only had examples from television and films to go on.  But I think we knew what we didn’t want and I remember expressing a fear of having to let Josh go in what I considered to be a heartless and sterile environment of the local crematorium.  It felt like we would be delivering him to some anonymous, institutionalized ritual where strangers would take care of things.  Two young police officers had brought us the news of Joshua’s death and for his body to be committed by more unknowns felt just too much – you can’t hug a policeman, neither did I feel like hugging an undertaker – it felt like the only way to properly deal with this was to gather family and friends around and share our grief, and not just for half an hour at the “crem”.  We needed more time and we needed to fill that time by doing things that would help us all come to terms with our loss.      

Jane Harris: Ritual was very important to me and as our 18 year old daughter Rosa said "..Josh wasn’t just ours”. I wanted to be sure that the funeral was about Josh and I wanted  his friends to be a large part of that ritual.  I was worried that we didn’t know what form that would take but in the 11 days between our son’s death and the actual funeral it came together through a mix of our own ideas and those of our friends. And it felt right that it should take as much time as we needed on the day.  We couldn’t possibly have done it in an allocated time slot at a crematorium.  It had to be part of a longer journey of saying goodbye.

Pat: A point in the film that was very interesting for me was your family explaining how difficult it was to pour so much energy into creating this service at a time when you had so little to spare.  In several instances you express the fears you experienced that the whole thing would come off wrong or fall flat.  Fortunately, that did not happen, but I imagine that this is something everyone would experience if attempting to create their own service on this scale.  Creating a service like this must be very rewarding and meaningful, but also demanding and, in a sense, risky.  What would you say to a family considering something like this? 

Jimmy:  I’m not sure I worried too much about the funeral going wrong.  Jane did at the time and we found out later how concerned Joe was.  But without the help and advice of Su Chard, an independent celebrant who was introduced to us by some friends, the whole thing might well have ended up as a complete fiasco.    

The main problem was that convention, as we knew it, was telling us to hold a funeral first and then organize a memorial service at some later date – that was never going to work if only because we would have been unable to accommodate all the tributes from Josh’s friends many of whom we hardly knew.  I can’t remember now what the initial plans for the funeral were but what was always important was that it should be as much a celebration of life as it was a sadness for our loss and that Josh’s body should be present throughout that celebration.  Another important thing was that the event should represent a journey, for Josh and for us so we began to plan the day as three distinct movements of the coffin.  Loads of different ideas were flying around our kitchen table, but exactly what each section would represent remained unclear until Su reminded us what other people's expectations might be and our responsibilities to their own feelings of loss.

Jane: One of the most important and liberating lessons for me was that there are no rules and we could do exactly what we as a family wanted to do. For example  I know for me it was important to incorporate some kind of reference to Judaism into the day,  from a cultural rather than religious perspective. This represented one of many threads that emerged through out the funeral day. We were also very mindful to encourage people to honour Josh in ways that felt right to THEM…….we truly wanted to share the day with others, and that in turn offered us a lot of comfort. I remember feeling strong on the day despite having a broken heart and that was largely to do with the love and support of everyone present.

Jimmy: It's really all about accommodating a whole range of emotions that at the time feel out of control.  As James Showers puts it in our film, funerals like this are “a collision of grief and happy memories”.  Both he and Su helped us manage that risk by ensuring that we knew which moments were to be held as sacred and which were more celebratory.  

There was also the important consideration of food and the fact that many people would have traveled miles and would be tired both physically and emotionally.  So at the most basic level,  our structure for the day was organized around the living and their need to be well fed and rested.  Tired and hungry mourners are grumpy mourners and we didn’t want grumpy mourners, sad yes but not grumpy.

So if there’s one piece of advice for others planning to organise their own funeral, it is to give a very clear indication of what the order of service will be, to make sure the event has moments of solemnity and calm as well as opportunities for laughter and celebration.  And to build in very specific tea/coffee meal breaks.

Pat: A great many people participated in Josh’s service.  There were expressions of love and memories from a vast range of people who knew your son in different ways.  Were hearing new stories about your son a healing experience for you?  Was it a surprise to you?

Jimmy: A surprise and a delight.  Josh had moved away from home soon after leaving school and had made a whole new set of friends in London.  But there were still many of his school friends that we didn’t know that well, so its been a real eye opener to discover not just how well loved and admired he was, but how full his life was.  And getting to know those friends of his now, all of whom carry a little of Josh with them is a great comfort.  One of them as set up a website “Postcards to Josh” in which we can keep in touch with each other.

Jane: It was remarkable to be able to get to know Josh better through the loving and often hilarious contributions  of his friends.  I found it gave me a lot of strength to know how loved he had been in his very short life. I also find it helpful to know that as my memories fade the film will be there to help me recall the detail and nuances of my son’s life that I never want to forget.

Pat: There were so many ways that people were able to participate physically in the service, not only those who spoke or sang or carried the casket,  nearly everyone did something.  Did you intentionally create opportunities for participation?  How do you think these activities shaped the service?

Jimmy: Definitely.    I think we recognized the need that people would want to contribute in some way and that they would be able to use what ever they had to offer both as gifts to Josh, as well as part of their own healing process.  And that’s not just for those with talent as a performer.  It would have been physically impossible for us to organize an event on such a scale, and people do want to help, they need to help at times like this.  It was interesting how some traditional gender roles emerged.  The women attending to flowers and candles and decorating the hall.  The men helping to build the coffin.  Personally I found the male only environment of my friends workshop where we built Josh’s coffin very stabilizing.  When Josh died I experienced some very frightening and some very unfamiliar emotions, but I was somehow aware they were kind of different from what the women were going though, and being able to share these with my male friends as we planned and built the casket was probably very important.

Jane: The most central element of what we wanted to do was to share the day with as many key people from Joshua's life as was possible. I was also very struck by the different ways men and women grieve and how  afraid a lot of people were about being with us.  From the moment we started to organize the funeral I knew I wanted it to be a shared experience and though people were reluctant to do so initially I discovered that what they needed was permission to be themselves  and once that had been understood this was easier for them and us. The difference between compassion and pity didn’t take long to become apparent and we surrounded ourselves with people who understood this.

Pat: You decided against engaging a traditional Undertaker, but you did work with an independent one.  Could you share your experience of working with this man, and tell a bit about the role he played?

Jimmy: It happens that we already knew James Showers, the undertaker.  I had made a short film with him and got to know something of his work and his views about death and mourning.  James sees his role as, in his words “helping people to reclaim their farewell”.  Commercial undertakers provide a service which, in a time of great stress, we have come to believe is beyond our capabilities.  But in doing so they have also robbed us of one of life’s most important encounters.  What James did was to take care of the legal stuff, the administrative stuff, while supporting and encouraging us to concentrate on creating a ritual that would be meaningful and cathartic for us all.  In a sense he was very “hands-off” but always there in the background.  But Su Chard, the celebrant, was also important in the way she help us design what she called “a rite of passage” for Josh.  

Jane: James’ personal and accepting approach really helped. He was sensitive to our needs and priorities and didn’t once questioned what we were trying to do.

Pat: The process of creating the film seems to be entwined with the service and the grief experience itself.  How did this activity help or hinder your experience?

Jimmy:   In a way making the film was about hanging on to Josh for as long as possible.   On the day, I had asked a camera man and sound recordist (both friends) to record what they could of the event.  They are both professionals and went virtually unnoticed.  We then had to decide what we were going to do with the footage.  Who should it be for?    Who would want to watch it?

Jane: The making of the film was a huge part of the grieving process.  I know that some people might think it improper to bring a camera into  such a personal arena but for us as a family what matters is that we will forever have a record of Josh’s life which not only helps us to come to terms with what has happened but that can possibly help others too.

We decided to interview key people in the weeks after the funeral and that was also very therapeutic (both for us and for them).  Hearing what Josh’s friends had taken from the day was heartwarming.  For example one of Josh’s  friends talked about it being a day that had changed her  life and another said he had realized that you have to experience death to experience life.

Jimmy: We have now spent the last six months or so shaping that film in the edit suite. At some point during the day, I've sat down at the computer and fiddled away with the material - making this bit work a little better, changing the order here or there, putting new stuff in, taking other stuff out, but all the time being with Josh and I guess stringing out and delaying the moment of really saying goodbye.  Being able to do this has been a really important part of coming to terms with his death.  But making the film is only the beginning of the life of that film – and impact it has for other people and the way it then helps me is yet to be seen.

Jane: I cannot begin to imagine how I would cope for the rest of my life without this record of Joshua’s life which I can look at whenever I like.  My grieving journey has been hugely helped because we have made a film. Our daughter Rosa has also found having a record of the event helpful.  If she wants to share it with people who didn’t know Josh she can do so and they in turn will get to know something about her beloved brother.  It was also very important for friends and family who could not attend to be able to share something of the day as well.

Pat: Some parts of the service were invented, some were borrowed from other traditions, some were perhaps traditions from your own cultural legacy.  Did you envision a multitude of messages, or perhaps one dominant overarching message from the service?  What was it like to mix these elements together?

Jimmy: That’s a really hard question.  Our family is not religious and I don’t think there was any conscious attempt to build on any traditional form of funeral.  That said,  in recent decades the AIDS epidemic has changed the way we as a society, approach death and funerals and they have become, I guess, more flamboyant.  In the UK the death of Princess Diana seemed to give people permission for a much freer and more public display of grief.  Nowadays unusual or more personal funerals are not uncommon.  So in a way I suppose we were building on current trends.  Of Josh’s funeral I think that the way we organized a sort of viral candle lighting ceremony at the end of the day was particularly special and something that was possibly “invented”.   It symbolized the way in which we had given a little a bit of Josh to each other which we could then carry away for the rest of our lives.     

Jane: Cultural legacy was important to me and I felt the accordian captured that beautifully.  I was so driven by the wish not to be afraid that Josh was dead but had no idea how to do that but by the end of the celebration of his life I somehow felt a lot less afraid than I had done. One of the most important elements of the day was that Josh was in the room …. He even received a standing ovation……which I think he would have liked enormously!

Pat:  What do you think you have experienced and accomplished through this process that you would have missed with a conventional service?

Jimmy:  It wasn’t so much a conventional service that we were trying to avoid.  More, the idea that it would be a complete stranger showing us how best to mourn for our son, felt wrong.  At the time we wouldn’t have thought of it this way, but we didn’t need professional help to manage our feelings.   But neither did we realize that creating our own funeral rite would be so valuable for the remainder of our grieving.  What we did was to respond as honestly and as intuitively as we could to how we all felt about Josh, how conflicted and confused we felt, how insecure his death made us.  We needed to construct a ceremony that was of our making and therefore personal, but that other people could recognize and join in with.  Its still too early to say but I think its that highly personalized but public sharing of grief in a ritual made possible by a collective will,  that has helped us get grounded again and to feel better about the life ahead.  

Jane: The day was very personal in every way and people had their voices heard …..we had no rules except honesty of emotion…….and no pressure of time.

Thank you both so much for sharing your experience, your work and your thoughts with us.  I know that many families, celebrants and undertakers will be inspired by what you have done.  The film can be viewed at the end of this post via Vimeo.   Also available, through Blurb, is Jimmy Edmonds' beautiful and compelling photo book about his experience with 

Joshua's death, Released.  Currently, the book may be viewed in its entirety online.  It is also available as a download and in hard copy.  I hope to have a post focused on Released one day soon. 

REMEMBERING JOSH from JIMMY Edmonds on Vimeo.

A Fitting Tribute

12/15/2009

Photos via Mansfield News Journal

What makes a funeral or memorial service meaningful? What makes a tribute fitting and moving? This is an issue that has been of great concern to caring funeral directors for many years now, as we strive to meet the changing needs of families. Many different products have come along from candles to casket corners to photo slideshows and dove releases, all offering an opportunity to personalize the funeral experience. These products can be meaningful for some families, but they have a tendency of becoming just one more cookie cutter.

In my professional opinion, creating a meaningful and fitting tribute involves a lot of listening, responding creatively, and enlisting the participation of family and friends. A loving and meaningful expression by the survivors is facilitated, not just sold, and the value of the funeral director is his or her ability to offer experience and ideas, not just products.

A wonderful example of a meaningful tribute comes to us from Shiloh, Ohio, where friends got together in bitter cold temperatures to dig by hand, the grave of retired sexton Pete Ferrell. Mr. Ferrell was a friendly giving man who dug hundreds and hundreds of graves by hand over his 50 year career. Even after the use of modern excavating equipment became common, he insisted on digging by hand because he thought it was a better method.

The tribute is appropriate to Mr. Farrell's life, work and personality. The participation of his friends makes it an act of love, and a healing and uplifting experience for them. How often do you see people digging a grave by hand in frigid temperatures with big smiles on their faces? These people will never forget their experience. They have acknowledged the reality of the situation, and fully embraced an active role in respectfully laying their friend to rest. Mr. Ferrell would surely be proud, and the survivors have worked through their grief in a positive way. That's what makes a fitting tribute.

To read the wonderful article by Dave Polcyn and for more photos, visit

The Mansfield News Journal

For more stories about meaningful services, visit:

Inspiring Services

How to Create a Meaningful Service: Rubber Boots

There is no formula for creating a meaningful funeral, but the recent service held at Cheltenham Crematorium for 39 year old Gloucestershire nurse, Lorna Grant offers some very instructive guidelines.

A powerful and healing message is communicated through these 'mourning garments'

Ms. Grant was a great fan of music festivals, and especially the famous Glastonbury Festival of Contemporary Performing Arts, where people of an independent and alternative bent enjoy tromping about in the mud and listening to music in great numbers each year. In Ms. Grant's service, her fun loving and independent spirit and interests were acknowledged in ways that created a meaningful and loving tribute to her life, along with a healing and affirming experience for her friends and family. Here are some elements of her funeral that we can all bring to our own services...

Undertaker in wellies leads procession to crematorium

The Procession:

If any feature of a funeral sums up our feelings and actions in a symbolic way, it is the procession. The procession lends itself easily to personalized ritual. In Ms. Grant's case, the procession to the crematorium was given added meaning by the vehicle used to transport her remains. A special vehicle and a special pace, marked out in this case by the undertaker, tells us visually and emotionally that this is a special journey, not like any other. It reminds us that we are accompanying a special person on the last leg our their journey.

In the procession we say "Your life and your passing is important enough for me to go with you as far as I can". The special vehicle used for this journey can be a hearse, a horse drawn carriage, or a cart. I have seen processions with motorcycles, hot rods, and milk trucks. In this case the vehicle is special to the memory of the deceased because it is a camper van fitted out to be used as a hearse. We see it and know instantly that it is special and personally meaningful.

Ceremony and innovation

Mixing the old and the new:

There is great value to both traditional ritual and personalization, and when the two are combined, we get fireworks. Ritual provides us with the comforting rhythms and reassurances that allow us to deal with the overwhelming and unknowable. On some level we need to be reminded that this individual and that we ourselves belong to a culture and a tradition and a community. Traditional rituals like the use of pallbearers and processions also communicate emotional messages that are beyond words.

Tradition is cold comfort however, if it is not relevant to the deceased. This is where personalization enhances traditional ritual. In this case, a pink casket that appears to be made of renewable resources is carried by pallbearers wearing the wellington boots that remind us of the muddy music festivals, guests and pallbearers were all invited to wear their 'wellies' to the service. Rather than a traditional floral casket spray, sunflowers are used. I have seen an all female group of bearers carry their former basketball coach into church, clowns carrying a fellow clown, and bearers with a variety of other special attributes. The floral spray for fashion icon, Isabella Blow, was reminiscent of the fabulously edgy millinery she wore. For veterans, a flag often drapes the casket instead of flowers. For race fans, checkered flags can be used. Most importantly, the combination of familiar and novel, makes the messages of both more apparent and meaningful. The pallbearer's work is highlighted by the pink casket and the boots they all wear. The meaning of the sunflowers is emphasized by their placement on the casket.

This is Participation

Participation:

I'll close with a photo very similar to the opening shot because the wellie boots convey the most powerful message for the mourners and for us as more detached observers. Participation was the key to this service and the most important lesson we can take from it. Just attending a funeral service is a form of participation, and sends a wonderful message of comfort and acknowledgement it its own right. Enhancing and increasing the level of participation brings those messages out more clearly and makes the experience of the participant so much more healing.

Participation can take many forms, from eulogies to carrying the casket, to riding in procession, to bringing a hot-dish to the reception. Whether we realize it or not, what we wear to a funeral involves participation too. I am often asked what appropriate clothing should be for funerals and my response would now be to look at the photo above for the answer. A funeral is a special day set aside from other days to remember a special person. When we wear something special to that event we are participating in the funeral. No one expects you to go out and buy a black suit or dress for a funeral, but do take the time and effort to participate in acknowledging the importance of that life and that death by making a special effort. In the case of Ms. Grant, that effort did not even involve suits for anyone other than the pallbearers, it involved wearing rubber boots. By wearing the boots, guests made a visual expression of love and loss in the fun - loving spirit of their friend, and realized on a more profound level why they were there.

We cannot expect to create a meaningful service just by wearing wellies or picking out a pink casket any more that by releasing doves or having an 'open mic' session. A meaningful service is the result of a series of participatory decisions and creative actions. Hopefully what we take away from Lorna Grant's service is a lesson in the importance of ritual, personalization and the creative expression of love.

The photos and information regarding Lorna Grant's service were found on The Daily Mail, This is Somerset, and This is Gloucestershire sites

Ushering Out the Dust

Ritual takes many forms in death, and in life as well.  Quite simply, in ritual, a symbolic meaning enriches a physical task, which in turn, enriches our life. 

A wonderful example of this is the centuries old cleaning ritual at Higashi-Honganji temple in Japan.  Here is a video from TodaysTHV.  Cleaning a temple is an important and necessary task, just as the burial of the dead is.  Incorporating a meaningful ritual into the task of cleaning changes drudgery into a life affirming, life enhancing and memorable experience.  Similarly,  'disposing' of the bodies of our family and friends without ritual changes an important and meaningful recognition of the most important of milestones into an act of drudgery.

Is the dust in this Japanese Temple ushered off with more care than our dead?

The Celebrant: A Conversation with Dorry Bless

Celebrant Dorry Bless

Ritual is a powerful and important part of our lives, whether we realize it or not. As a community, we recognize, and acknowledge milestone events. We celebrate and mourn the passing of the old, and the promise of the new. Without life cycle markers like baptisms, bar mitzvahs confirmations, graduations, marriage ceremonies, anniversaries and funerals, we lose essential opportunities to share our joys and sorrows. These ceremonies are not just for the benefit of the community; they help us to orient ourselves, give us perspective, and provide us with reassurance when we face new roles and challenges in life.

For many people today, the tried and true ceremonies from our religious and ethnic traditions no longer seem relevant. The message of a traditional ceremony may not fit the life or values and needs of those involved, or an event that is important to us may not have a traditional ceremony or officiant to mark it. Ritual and ceremony are still vital to us, though, so new, more meaningful events must be created.

Dorry Bless, a certified celebrant and the founder of Circle of Life Ceremonies, works with clients to create distinctive and unique ceremonies for rites of passage events. She is one of a growing group of professionals who help to craft and enact these ceremonies. Ms. Bless has graciously agreed to share her thoughts and experiences as a celebrant on The Daily Undertaker.

Pat McNally: You work with a diverse group of clients in creating ceremonies for a wide variety of milestone life events. What are some of the elements that are common to all these ceremonies? What do you see as some important differences?

Dorry Bless: The universal element I see in the varied ceremonies and rituals I create in collaboration with my clients; is the desire for my clients to express themselves in a meaningful and significant way. They want to do this surrounded by their loved ones. They want to feel supported and understood. They want to feel connected to themselves and to others. Inevitably, they are drawn to work with a life-cycle celebrant® because they feel a deep need, even a longing, to mark the life passage they are experiencing in a way that resonates for them. Together, we explore and discover where the meaning and significance lies for them in the life-change they are meeting. My training as a ceremony specialist allows me to guide them on this journey and suggest those elements and rituals -- whether they originate from a world tradition, a faith tradition, mythology, pop culture, classic or contemporary literature; or even from their everyday life -- assuring that whatever is chosen speaks to them. All this is accomplished while considering the purpose of the ceremony, the tone, the physical space, who will be present, who will participate, the flow and the parts of the ceremony, and certainly the order of the ceremony. It is most important to consciously 'hold' the physical/emotional/spiritual space or container for the ceremony so that the individual(s)along with their community can mark and acknowledge the particular transitional life moment in a safe and gratifying way . Life-cycle celebrants®, as you know Pat from your work, are specialists who build their ceremonies within that traditional structure and framework but pay special attention to and care for the client's heart.

The most significant difference lies in the beauty of each individual's story; and as result the composite of all the parts creates a singularly unique and one-of-a-kind ceremony. 20th century scholar and philosopher, Martin Buber said, . "Every person born into this world represents something new, something that never existed before, something original and unique. It is the duty of every person to know and consider that she is unique in the world in her particular character, and that there has never been someone like her before. For if there had been someone like her before, there would be no need for her to be in the world. Every single person is a new thing in the world and is called upon to fulfill her particularity in the world."

We tend to see our clients and their lives as a 'work of art'. The ordinary is truly recognized as the extraordinary when we look closely and pay attention. The small gestures are the big ones - -the kindnesses that make life wonderful and worthwhile. We paint their story with the words, readings and rituals selected. Everyone experiences their own version of the hero's journey throughout their lives -- even when they veer off that path due to circumstance. Ceremony allows us to view this and experience it on a heartfelt and cellular level. Each client's story is reflected in a way that is truthful, authentic and genuine to them so that each ceremony is ultimately different. Although a wedding ceremony is still a wedding ceremony, a memorial or funeral still a memorial or funeral; still when you learn about Megan's initial reaction when she met Seth while watching Monday night football at a bar, or in the case of a memorial, you hear the beautiful poems Carol wrote as the cancer was ravaging her body; or we do a sunflower ritual graveside to pay tribute to Heidi's life -- a sunflower lover whose whole house was directed with them, or the lullaby that Nick's mom use to sing to him when he was just a little boy is sung aloud --then the context becomes one in which it's possible for the heart of participant and witness to meet one another and merge. Good ceremony creates an opening for both the one experiencing the life-change along with those that have come to be the witness. Kathleen Norris in "The Cloister Walk" says: “Good liturgy can act like an icon; a window into a world in which our concepts of space, time, and even stone are pleasurably bent out of shape. Good liturgy is a living poem, and ceremony is the key. Good ceremony makes room for all the dimensions of human experience in the hope that, together, we will discover something that transforms us. This is why I suspect that individuals can’t create true ceremony for themselves alone. Ceremony requires that we work with others in the humbling give and take of communal existence.”

So, she is saying that we need a kind of community to create ceremony. This makes sense to me in that ceremony is really a community event. Especially with end of life ceremonies, the public acknowledgement of the importance of the life and its passing is vitally important. At one time most people had a close knit community of faith and existing ceremonies. Today, many people describe themselves as spiritual, but not religious. There is also the trend toward ‘a la carte’ religion, where people pick and choose various elements that appeal to them, rather than accepting the whole package. In my experience as a celebrant, some people initially talk about a service without religious content, but later end up asking for the 23^rd psalm or the Lord’s Prayer. Many just don’t seem to want a particular religious message forced upon them, or prefer the focus to be on the person’s life, and not on God. Do you find that even in secular services, spiritual matters are still seen as important? Do you find that you clients enjoy the freedom to incorporate various traditions within one ceremony?

Absolutely. I think more and more people are drawn to work with a celebrant because they themselves (the clients) are a product of our contemporary culture. They have been exposed to different religions and cultures, they might have grown up in an interfaith home or traveled extensively. Since people move more frequently these days, and live a great distance from their families, they are often no longer affiliated with a faith tradition, or no longer practice the religious faith they were raised in but still retain some of its' teachings and impressions. As a result they feel more at ease integrating different practices or prayers which are meaningful to them. Many identify themselves as 'spiritual' and are actually looking for guidance in how to express this. Many breathe a sigh of relief when they realize this is possible and that they will be able to memorialize a loved one with Tibetan Bells or have the handfasting at a wedding that also incorporates 'breaking the glass'. I find that even those with a religious background welcome the sound of the Tibetan Bells. I often ring them at the beginning of the ceremony (if the client approves) to sanctify the space and then 'close out' the ceremony with them at the end. The sound of the bells invites us to stop, be present, and recognize that wherever we gather to observe, recognize, acknowledge, pay tribute or celebrate is truly sacred space and sacred time.

Tradition and personalization are often seen as two ends of a continuum for funeral services. Certainly both are important, but unfortunately, sometimes they can be mutually exclusive. What ways have you found to get the right combinations or the best of both worlds for you clients?

Pat as you mentioned in the previous question -- many realize they want to include the 23rd Psalm or Lord's Prayer, or in the Jewish funeral -- the Kaddish. Time and again, I see how comforting it is to include an element that reflects some piece from their childhood - - often, just the sound of those words bring great peace and ease or confer authority or credibility in an important way. But there is room for both -- so we might do a stone blessing ritual or a tree planting too. Or ring the Tibetan Bells as I mentioned earlier. When elements that appear to be disparate are woven together with care, within the context and purpose of the ceremony -- they can fit together beautifully. There is actually room within the formal context of ceremony for both expressions as long as the placement and rationale for including them is part of the flow and overall purpose of the ceremony. Songwriter and poet, Leonard Cohen, says; "There is a crack, a crack in everything -- That's how the light gets in."

Celebrancy gives us permission to find the 'crack' -- it even welcomes it -- and from there one can create a custom tapestry and find meaning in the old and the new.

In many communities in the US and the UK, and probably elsewhere, celebrants and funeral directors do not always see eye to eye. Celebrants may feel that funeral directors are not presenting all the service options to families, and funeral directors may feel that celebrants leave them out of the picture in the services they create. What are some of your experiences working with funeral homes, and how can we work together to better serve our families?

Funeral home owners and directors are dedicated professionals. Often their service to the community is unnoticed. They work in the one building in the community most people never want to have to enter -- and when they do - - it is associated with sadness and grief. Life-cycle celebrants® respect the funeral directors dedication and integrity. I think the conversation between the funeral director and the celebrant is just beginning. Both serve with compassion. Both want what is best for the client family. The celebrant is looking to give voice to the family who would resonate with a personal ceremony/ritual -- the client who wants to have input and a 'say' in their loved one's ceremony. A life-cycle celebrant® is trained to work as part of the funeral home team. They communicate with the funeral home staff every step of the way and value their input. The celebrant often relies on the funeral home director to suggest a celebrant to the family during the arrangement meeting if they feel that would be the best 'fit'. Really, the celebrant wants the funeral home to shine and wants to service the client too. When we work in the funeral home, we do so as a representative for them and on their behalf. We thank them as part of the opening and closing comments of the ceremony -- this is our code of ethics.

More families are exploring the idea of home funerals. Is this an opportunity for celebrants to redefine the focus of end of life ceremonies? What challenges do you see facing families who choose to ‘do-it-yourself’?

I don't think it's the celebrant's role to redefine the focus of end of life ceremonies. I think our role is to serve our clients and meet their needs, reflect their truth and that of their loved one. One client might be comfortable and drawn to pay tribute to a loved one through a home funeral. They might want to bathe and dress the body, prepare or make the casket. For another, that might be too painful and difficult for them. Each individual has to feel their way into their grief and mourning. A celebrant is prepared to support that process as they work with the client to create the ceremony. I think families who choose a 'do it yourself' need to educate themselves, seek out experts in their community and make certain they are within the legal limits regarding their loved one's burial regarding their state's laws. It's much like the home-birthing movement -- that appealed to some, most still give birth at a hospital but many seek out a natural birth at a hospital. Everyone has to be true to themselves and then find the professionals that can support them in their decisions. Personally, I am not trained in bathing or preparing the body for a home funeral just as I'm not trained or certified in mortuary science (that's for the experts). I can support and guide my clients in creating the ceremony for their loved ones.

Each family you work with probably finds their own comfort level with the level of participation they take in creating and enacting their ceremony, but could you describe what a ‘typical’ consultation would entail for a family working with you on a funeral ceremony?

Yes, Pat each family is unique. Sometimes I meet with the family in their living room, some I've met at a diner, some over the phone, others communicate to me by email. Each seems to have their own comfort level and of course this is often dictated by the logistics of the situation. Some speak about their loved one with ease and share photos, artwork, cherished keepsakes with me. Others I gently interview. Often one question leads to another or a long forgotten story. Sometimes a family member who is hesitant and doesn't even know if they want to be involved in the meeting joins in and shares a story. My role is to listen, create a safe container for their stories to be heard and for their loved one to be 'known'. I take copious notes during our meeting and might be given phone numbers of additional friends or family members to call. Some might call me several times during the course of (hours/days) writing the script to share a story or a sentiment they just remembered. Even when a family member doesn't have a lot to say, or there is discord in the family - still there is a story and somehow it makes its way to me. For that I am always grateful. I just have to remind myself to trust in the process, that it's not about me and to get out of my own way.

What do you see as the elements of a really successful and meaningful ceremony?

Again, this is individual. For some it might be the ability to access their emotion, their grief, for others it might be a heart connection to the deceased, to another family member, to themselves; and still others might experience a transcendent moment where time stops and they feel as if they've lost themselves (or the 'little me') and are present instead to the wholeness of life. In the end, it's really all about love. Even when it looks twisted -- it's still about love and hopefully that comes through. In the words of John Lennon, "it matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love, or how you love, it matters only that you love."

Many people tell their families that they don’t want them to cry or mourn when they die. The term ‘celebration of life’ is often used instead of ‘funeral’ or ‘memorial service’, to indicate that a more uplifting, happy memory centered service is desired. Do we lose something important by avoiding the tears and acknowledgement of sadness in our ceremonies?

I think this is another product of our culture and of our conditioned societal core beliefs. We spend so much effort and money defying death. We view death as a defeat, a big failure. If we look at all the books out on happiness, how to find it, how to keep it, etc....we see where our focus is. Perhaps 'celebration of life' is getting overused and over-rated these days as well. We tend to 'fall in love' with branding and marketing and I think we -- even in the funeral industry -- are not immune to being seduced by this too. I think we do ourselves a disservice by programming our emotions or setting expectations. In happy moments there are tears. I see many tears at the weddings I officiate. I also see laughter at some of the funerals/memorials I officiate. I think we owe it to ourselves to be honest; our emotions -- our personal histories are complex -- they cannot be marketed and put into neat, labeled packages. Ceremony invites sincere expression. Mystic, Andrew Harvey, says; " If you are really listening, if you are awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact your heart is made to break, it’s purpose is to break open again and again. So that it can hold ever more wonders.”

I agree, Dorry. If we are having an honest and meaningful experience, we have to open ourselves up to and allow ourselves to experience and express the laughter and the tears, and all the complicated combinations in between. Many families I meet with use humor in a wonderfully therapeutic way.
You can’t feel bad about laughing and you have to let yourself cry as well. As a funeral director, I have learned a lot from the families I’ve served. In addition to healing laughter and tears, the rituals I have seen enacted turn into ideas and suggestions that I share with others. What challenges do you face in creating new rituals? What are some inspirational events or ideas that you share?

Whenever I work with a family to create a new ritual I want to make certain they are comfortable with it. It's not about doing 'something different' just to be different, stand out or put on a show. It's about doing it because it means something -- to the individual, to the family and to the wishes of the deceased --at least how we interpret those. At one memorial I did at a restaurant, they were having a shrimp bar because the deceased LOVED shrimp. She told her family that's what she wanted at her memorial and I suggested that I could read the piece about all the different kinds of shrimp from the film 'Forrest Gump' to dedicate our 'shrimp altar'. That was right for this family and for this woman - others might consider it inappropriate. For another, Heidi, the sun-flower lover, the family prepared packets of sunflower seeds for their family and friends to plant. These were handed out as their community arrived for the ceremony. Graveside, we lovingly passed sunflowers and each had the opportunity to come forward with their sunflower infused with a blessing and place it on Heidi's grave. Usually it's clear when there is the 'space' for a new ritual. It almost happens organically and everyone is on board -- if not, there's no reason to do it.

Some families are easy to connect with and some are more difficult to engage. When we have a level of trust in one another, we can spend more time sharing and learning. It can be a challenge though, to make a connection like this with a grieving family in a limited amount of time. What ways have you found to build this trust more quickly, so that you can spend more time getting the information and understanding you need to create a great service?

Listen. Listen. Listen. Active listening creates a safe container and allows the necessary space for feelings to emerge. It also allows the celebrant or listener to really be present and non judgmental. It creates a vessel where the stories arise -- where what needs to be said can be said. In this context, you are given what is essential and from there you can create and compose an honest ceremony. You can also gently guide and direct the family from this place -- it is a quiet place but a powerful one. Also, I have learned to never underrate silence -- to honor the silence and revere it. Stories arise out of the silence. You don't need to push anything.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I think that especially when we grieve, we need someone to listen to us, and remarkably, very little listening usually happens. It’s about them and never us. What do you see happening in the future for end of life ceremonies? What are the dangers and opportunities? What can we do to make it a more positive outcome?

I see people getting more involved and choosing what suits them best from the growing array of possibilities, services and choices. The dangers are getting caught in marketing -- taking human loss, grief, mourning and sadness and seeing what we can 'sell' to the individual to help them stuff or repress their grief or have the 'best' experience imaginable given the situation. The opportunities always lie in practicing dignity, integrity, and compassion in our line of service. That is what funeral and death care professionals do -- and do best. That is why we were drawn to this business. The positive outcome lies in following and adhering to our professional code of ethics --- our gold standards. They lie in working together -- funeral homes and life-cycle celebrants® whenever those opportunities arise and stand for everyone's good. Your blog in and of itself, Patrick, educates the public -- while also advocating for the funeral and death care industry -- to the choices and possibilities out there. You are a leader in beginning the conversation. That's really important and means a lot.

Thank you for this opportunity.

Dorry, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!

To learn more about Ms. Bless' work and Celebrants, follow these links:

Her website

The Celebrant Foundation

Yoga Journal Jan 2010 article

Natural Awakenings Article

Video of Ms. Bless speaking at the 2008 Celebrant Foundation & Institute wisdom conference

A related article from The Daily Undertaker;

Celebrants Help Create Meaningful Services, August 2008

All photos used in this post are courtesy of Dorry Bless