What Not to Say to a Grieving Person, part 2

http://kenichihoshine.com/

A Daily Undertaker reader commented on What not to say to a grieving person, part 1, and I'd like to share some of her thoughts on this subject:

"It has to be said that it's hard to know what to say to someone recently

bereaved because, as Pat says, nothing will take the pain or hurt away or change

anything however eloquently it has been expressed.

It's hardly

surprising then that some people just avoid the bereaved person altogether

simply because they don't know what to say and will actively go out of their way

to avoid them.

I don't actually blame them because it's so tricky

to offer condolences at all.

Having been told in all sincerity, not 24 hours

after my husband died,

'Never mind, he's gone to a better place now!',

I replied without thinking,

'No, he's not ~ he's dead!'

Even though I

was numbed beyond belief by grief and booze, I felt the collective gasp of

unease ripple through the room as I said what I said and I immediately felt

guilty which I know in my heart is not what the person who uttered those words

would have wanted.

I still feel guilty about that years later and in my mind

I know that person still see's me as someone who doesn't 'take prisoners' or

suffer fools gladly and I feel somehow the 'guilty' party for my instinctive

reaction.

It's a shame that I think this way but that's just me, we all

react differently but I'd rather have had that person's company and misguided

attempt at comfort than not at all because at the end of the day, it was

heartfelt and his heart was indeed in the right place!

It's important to

know that there are NO right things to say

but you can never know how much

the bereaved needs and appreciates your support and company....even if it all

comes out wrong,

just being there is enough.

We all lose somebody

close to us in the end,

it's a fact of life we'd rather not face. " -T.D.

What not to say to a grieving person

9/30/2008

http://kenichihoshine.com/
Here is some great advice from socyberty http://www.socyberty.com/Death/What-Not-to-Say-to-a-Grieving-Loved-One.104149 . Often we feel the need to say something to a grieving person that will make things better. Nothing we can say do that, so we need to just express our love, sympathy and concern.

It can be hard to know what to say to someone who has lost someone. Here is a list of ten things not to say.

1. I Know How You Feel
   Even if you have lost someone close to you, you don't know how they feel. Everyone feels differently
   
2. Everything Happens For a Reason
   Even if that's what you believe and even if that's what they believe, that is not what they want to hear. This has probably already crossed their mind.
   
3. You Just Need to Move On
   No. This is insensitive. When someone loses someone it takes a lot of coping and adjusting, it is impossible to "just move on."
   
4. Just Keep Busy and Move On
   As with number 3 people need to cope in their own way.
   
5. Get On With Life
   The ONLY time this should EVER be said is when the person is in danger. It should be said in a gentle way and get help for the person if needed. However, for the first while life is not going to go on for the person.
   
6. Things Will Get Better
   While this may be true, it doesn't seem like it to the person and will probably only frustrate the person.
7. They Are in a Better Place Now
   Unless you are sure of the person's religious beliefs, don't say this, it may insult them.
   
8. God is Taking Care of Them Now
   See number 7. Also people are sensitive after suffering a loss and may take this as if they weren't good enough to take care of the person.
   
9. It Was Just Tissue
   This only really applies in miscarriages, but the person loved this "tissue." It was her baby and child. This is insulting and insensitive.
   
10. You Can Still Have More Kids
    This only really applies for the death of a child or a miscarriage, but despite other kids or the prospect of other kids, they loved this child and nothing will ever replace them.
    

In the end the best thing to say and do is just to hug them, be there for them, let them know that you are there for them, and that you love them.
For more, visit Part 2