In Lieu of Memorials, Please Send Flowers

9/25/08 

http://flickr.com/photos/psag/279220369/

A director I used to work with always said 'flowers are the bain of the funeral director's existence'. Indeed, we spend a lot of our time arranging flowers at the chapel for visitation, then moving them to church for the service, then, taking some to the grave, some to the home, some to this nursing home and that hospice. In the cold weather we have to wrap and unwrap the flowers and plants with plastic so they don't wither away. Pollen satins our white shirts, petals fall and stinky water spills all over in the vehicles. I almost lost a finger in a flower stand accident!

http://www.jaynepugh.co.uk/sympathytributes.htm

Often, the family has no idea of what to do with all the flowers and plants they get- who has room for all of this, and do you really want to look at it for a week? In order for the family to be able to write accurate thank-you notes to everyone who sends flowers, the funeral home staff has to make sure there is a description on the back of all the cards of the pieces, and there is almost never a description on the back. Don't even get me started on the giant trees some people send when the family lives in an apartment or nursing home! And then, there's the cost- many families ask 'why not put the money to better use- let's just list a memorial instead.'

http://www.nzflowers.co.nz/93/funeral-flowers/

Well, I'm all for donating to worthy charities, and I won't mind only moving five pieces of flowers to church tomorrow, but when I die, I'd like my obituary to read 'In lieu of memorials, please send flowers'.

Flowers are a visible expression for a grieving family that their friends and family and neighbors and coworkers care and are thinking of them in their loss. When a family comes in before their visitation, the first thing they do after weeping at the casket is look at all the flowers and say 'isn't that nice, aren't these beautiful, look these are from my job! these are from our neighbor!' When they come into the chapel for the service, again there is the visual reminder of all the people who may not have the words to make things any better, but have shown by their actions that this person and this loss are meaningful. Whatever the cost of the flowers, and whatever is done with them afterwards-they made a difference to that family.

What to Say to the Grieving

http://blog.lanpher.com/

When someone you care about is grieving, it can be a challenge to find the right words to say in a note, or when you see them. I have posted some ideas about what not to say, here are some things to consider saying. Please remember though, that it's about them, not you. Truly listening and responding with empathy is more important than any sympathetic statement or gesture you can think up beforehand.

• 'You are in my thoughts'... Let them know that you appreciate the significance of their loss, and that you are concerned about them. If you have included them in your prayers, let them know that too.



• 'I remember'... Share a special memory of the deceased. There is no greater gift than learning something new and wonderful about a person we've lost. Reminding a grieving person of an old favorite story can be wonderful gift as well.



• 'I will miss'... Even though your focus should be on the grieving person, and not on yourself, let them know that you too will miss this special person, and that you share in their loss.



• 'I would like to'....It's certainly nice to say "We're here for you, let us know if we can help with anything", but take it one step further by offering help with something specific. 'We'd like to bring over meals for you on Wednesdays' or 'we'd like to take care of your snow shovelling this year' or 'I can take you to the grocery store'. You don't have to insist, but being specific about what you could help with makes it easier for them to take you up on your offer.



• 'We love you'...This is what is most important, and it encompasses all the previous ideas. When we lose someone, we need to know that we are loved and cared for. If you can communicate this by your presence, thoughfulness, words or actions, you have made a difference.
  

http://www.rhul.ac.uk/visitors-guide/images/sympathy.html

Briton Riviere, RA: Sympathy

What not to say to a grieving person

9/30/2008

http://kenichihoshine.com/
Here is some great advice from socyberty http://www.socyberty.com/Death/What-Not-to-Say-to-a-Grieving-Loved-One.104149 . Often we feel the need to say something to a grieving person that will make things better. Nothing we can say do that, so we need to just express our love, sympathy and concern.

It can be hard to know what to say to someone who has lost someone. Here is a list of ten things not to say.

1. I Know How You Feel
   Even if you have lost someone close to you, you don't know how they feel. Everyone feels differently
   
2. Everything Happens For a Reason
   Even if that's what you believe and even if that's what they believe, that is not what they want to hear. This has probably already crossed their mind.
   
3. You Just Need to Move On
   No. This is insensitive. When someone loses someone it takes a lot of coping and adjusting, it is impossible to "just move on."
   
4. Just Keep Busy and Move On
   As with number 3 people need to cope in their own way.
   
5. Get On With Life
   The ONLY time this should EVER be said is when the person is in danger. It should be said in a gentle way and get help for the person if needed. However, for the first while life is not going to go on for the person.
   
6. Things Will Get Better
   While this may be true, it doesn't seem like it to the person and will probably only frustrate the person.
7. They Are in a Better Place Now
   Unless you are sure of the person's religious beliefs, don't say this, it may insult them.
   
8. God is Taking Care of Them Now
   See number 7. Also people are sensitive after suffering a loss and may take this as if they weren't good enough to take care of the person.
   
9. It Was Just Tissue
   This only really applies in miscarriages, but the person loved this "tissue." It was her baby and child. This is insulting and insensitive.
   
10. You Can Still Have More Kids
    This only really applies for the death of a child or a miscarriage, but despite other kids or the prospect of other kids, they loved this child and nothing will ever replace them.
    

In the end the best thing to say and do is just to hug them, be there for them, let them know that you are there for them, and that you love them.
For more, visit Part 2