Sanctuary: Part 2, Moving In

In a previous post, 'Sanctuary: Living in the Cemetery', I looked at a situation in Africa, where governmental forces moved to evict impoverished people who were compelled to make their homes in the cemeteries there. The idea of people living among the dead may certainly seem disrespectful and unhealthy to many of us. In fact, there is an ancient and widespread taboo shared by many cultures that prohibits the dead from resting in the same space as the living, and vice versa. In the Christian tradition, however, church yards and cemeteries also have a history of functioning as sanctuaries and places of last resort for people without other options.

The living amongst the dead

As these photos show, people throughout the world, including the Philippines, are compelled by economic and social circumstances to make their home among the dead, seeking sanctuary in the hallowed ground of cemeteries. They work, sleep, eat and play there; and while a cemetery may not be the most appealing place to live, there are certainly worse places.

Working and cooking in the cemetery

Are these photos disturbing because we find the less than sacred activities of life disrespectful among the dead, or is it because we find it unhealthy or degrading for the living to be compelled to live among the dead? Are we concerned about the effect of the living on the dead, or the effect of the dead on the living? In any case, we realize that for many reasons, from sanitation, to our ideas of the nature of life and death, this taboo is still a powerful one for us.

Teaching and playing

Is this so different than keeping an urn with the cremated remains of our loved one at home with us though? Is it different from burying our loved ones on the family farm or scattering their ashes at the cottage? Some religious leaders would argue that it is not, and that for their own good, the dead must rest together in a community of saints until the resurrection.

Keeping our loved ones home with us

This religious prohibition is no longer followed by as many people today. More and more, in a very mobile society, people choose to keep the ashes of infant children or parents with them because they may very well move across the country several times before dying themselves. They want their dead to move with them. Green burialists and others increasingly advocate for permission to bury outside traditional cemeteries. The dead are interred on farms and forests that may or may not be used for other purposes. The ashes of golfers and football fans are secretly scattered on the fairway and in the stadium.

As the wishes grieving families run afoul of religious and legal guidelines, those guidelines may adapt, they may turn back the tide, or they may be ignored. In any case, it is clear that our concepts of life and death, as well as the proper relationship between the two, are changing. Instead of the living moving into the cemetery though, it is the dead who are moving in with us.

You Can Take it With You

11/12/08

http://www.thaiworldview.com/hongkong/religion/ancestor.htm

Paper house for burning

They say that you can't take it with you when you die. Well, I'm here to tell you that you can. Many times, families ask me if they can place some special item in the casket along with their loved one. I tell them that not only can they, I encourage people to place something special in the casket- especially children. Children feel loss just as we do, but they are often not as skilled at expressing their feelings. It can mean a lot for a child to place a special toy, or photo, a drawing or a letter in grandma's casket. If there are several grandchildren who'd like to do this, we can even make a moving ceremony out of placing the special items. This helps children acknowlege and work through their grief, and it helps adults too.

http://www.metafilter.com/19807/

Joss money for the afterlife (yes that's LBJ on the front)

I have assisted families in placing many things in caskets; fishing poles, photos, cigarettes and beer, jewelry and handkerchiefs, masonic aprons, blankets, candy and playing cards, even the cremated remains of pets and spouses. Sometimes it's a private thing that no one else knows about, sometimes it's a public ritual, but it always makes the family feel better. They feel that they have done one last thing for their loved one, and that somehow, in some way that person knows it and is smiling.

I know how they feel, because during my work, I feel that I am doing something for the deceased- that I am giving them one last gift of caring. It makes me feel good, and I think that somehow, somewhere, that person knows that they were treated with reverence.

This tradition of sending gifts along with the deceased has probably taken place as long as people were people. The earliest graves that have been found bear traces of tools, flowers, and other items intended for the next world. Certainly the Ancient Egyptians are well known for the lavish gifts entombed with their pharohs. The ancient Greeks placed a coin in the mouth of the deceased to pay for their soul to be ferried across the river Styx.

An ancient tradition that exists to this day is the burning of Joss money or

'Hell Bank Notes'

http://www.cachecoins.org/hellnotes.htm

These are notes used in traditional Asian ancestor veneration to ensure that spirits have lots of good things in the afterlife. These bank notes are well known for their outrageously large denominations and most feature an image of the Jade Emperor, and his Western signature (Yu Wong, or Yuk Wong) countersigned by Yan luo, King of Hell (Yen Loo). The back of each bill usually features an image of the bank of Hell. Some bills will depict famous or mythological people instead.
In Chinese mythology, the name of hell does not carry a negative connotation. The hell they refer to is Di Yu (underground hold/court). Di Yu is a maze of underground levels and chambers where souls are taken to atone for their earthly sins. The popular story is that the word hell was introduced to China by Christian missionaries, who preached that all non-Christian Chinese people would "go to hell" when they died. It was then believed that the word "Hell" was the proper English term for the afterlife. Some notes omit the word "hell" and sometimes will replace it with "heaven" or "paradise".
These notes often depict different images for decoration or to convey symbolic information. There are several ways to send Spirit Money to one's departed relatives -- it can be thrown to the winds during the funeral procession, left on a grave at any time, or burned in ceremonial fires. -from http://www.cachecoins.org/hellnotes.htm

Burning paper models - from Mercedes-Benz cars to houses - is a common practice at funerals in Taiwan. As many Taiwanese people believe the world spirits go to in the afterlife is a mirror of the human world, they also believe that the departed require a place to live, food to eat and money. Burning an object at a funeral in the human world transports it to the spirit world, which keeps the ghost of the departed happy and brings luck to the living.
"The tradition can be traced back to the Tang dynasty," says Tseng Kuang-hsing (曾光興), owner of Jixing Paper Art Co (吉興紙藝有限公司).

-from http://www.taipeitimes.com/News/feat/archives/2007/11/25/2003389548

http://www.homsisdiscount.com/beer.html

Beer is an item that is often placed in caskets by loved ones in Wisconsin

My wife has a very specific list of things that she wants to go with her. She wants her purse, a note pad, pencil, pen, Chanel No. 5 powder, compact, lipstick, handkerchief, gum, her pillow, a bottle of water, the New York Times, her shoes, the key to the casket, a small shovel, and a copy of Proust's Remembrance of Things Past- as she will finally have a chance to read it.

Of all the things people send along, and sometimes they are a bit sheepish and ask me if their items seem unusual, the only thing that has surprised me is how many people put mashmallow Peeps in the casket. I never knew anyone actually ate those things, much less loved them enough to take them along to the bosom of Abraham. One thing is for sure, they'll last for a long long time.

http://thegazz.com/gblogs/bloginmysoup/2008/03/10/cooking-with-peeps/

What Not to Say to a Grieving Person, part 2

http://kenichihoshine.com/

A Daily Undertaker reader commented on What not to say to a grieving person, part 1, and I'd like to share some of her thoughts on this subject:

"It has to be said that it's hard to know what to say to someone recently

bereaved because, as Pat says, nothing will take the pain or hurt away or change

anything however eloquently it has been expressed.

It's hardly

surprising then that some people just avoid the bereaved person altogether

simply because they don't know what to say and will actively go out of their way

to avoid them.

I don't actually blame them because it's so tricky

to offer condolences at all.

Having been told in all sincerity, not 24 hours

after my husband died,

'Never mind, he's gone to a better place now!',

I replied without thinking,

'No, he's not ~ he's dead!'

Even though I

was numbed beyond belief by grief and booze, I felt the collective gasp of

unease ripple through the room as I said what I said and I immediately felt

guilty which I know in my heart is not what the person who uttered those words

would have wanted.

I still feel guilty about that years later and in my mind

I know that person still see's me as someone who doesn't 'take prisoners' or

suffer fools gladly and I feel somehow the 'guilty' party for my instinctive

reaction.

It's a shame that I think this way but that's just me, we all

react differently but I'd rather have had that person's company and misguided

attempt at comfort than not at all because at the end of the day, it was

heartfelt and his heart was indeed in the right place!

It's important to

know that there are NO right things to say

but you can never know how much

the bereaved needs and appreciates your support and company....even if it all

comes out wrong,

just being there is enough.

We all lose somebody

close to us in the end,

it's a fact of life we'd rather not face. " -T.D.

Hanging coffins of Sagada in Philippines

http://www.gooya.us/photos/2007/11/hanging-coffins-of-sagada-philippines.php

Located 275 km. north of Manila, Sagada is famous for its "hanging coffins". This is a traditional way of burying people that is not in use anymore. The forebears of the current residents practiced an unusual burial practice by hanging and stacking coffins, hewed from tree trunks, in the limestone karst cliffs and caves near town. -from gooya.us

Beside giving me a bit of vertigo, seeing this interesting funeral practice reminds me that what is possible in funerals is bounded more by the limits of our own imaginations, than it is by convention or physical limitations. In a world where baby boomers choose to have their cremated remains shot into space, or scattered in the Himalayas, this practice may become popular among the bungee jumping set.