"I wish I'd spoken at my father's funeral"

Here is some great advice on giving eulogies from Olivia Mitchell. As she mentions, you only get one chance to do this, so don't pass it up if at all possible. A professional oration is never expected, but an honest, personal reflection can make a funeral meaningful and healing.

http://www.blueq.com/shop/item/114-productId.125837399_114-catId.117440545.html

I wish I’d spoken at my father’s funeral
October 26, 2008 by Olivia Mitchell
Being able to express yourself publicly at important ceremonies and celebrations - funerals, weddings, christenings and birthdays - is one of the greatest gifts.
My father died 10 years ago. I was going to speak at his funeral. But when we arrived at the church all I could see were the distinguished, CEO-looking men in the audience (my father was an international businessman). I felt intimidated and chose not to speak. That’s something I regret.
I’ll never turn down an invitation to give a eulogy again.
Don’t make the same mistake I made at my father’s funeral. If you’re given an opportunity to speak at a funeral or other family celebration, think of your regret if you don’t express yourself and your love for that person. On one side you’ll have your anxiety urging to stay quiet. On the other, you have your love for that person that that you would like to express publicly. Focus on the love, not the anxiety.

http://www.recess.ufl.edu/transcripts/2006/0223.shtml

Take the pressure offHere is some advice for taking the pressure off yourself as you prepare a eulogy or a speech for a family celebration.
1. You don’t have to provide an outline of their entire life. The best eulogies are a snapshot or series of snapshots of the person’s life. Comprehensive accounts of a person’s life are best left to written tributes and obituaries.
2. You don’t have to do a ton of research or talk to lots of other people. Give your own recollections and your own perspective about the person. In a forum thread on giving a eulogy the most repeated advice was to share your personal memories.
3. You don’t have to lie. Every person has some flaws. Don’t feel you have to avoid them. Be compassionately honest about the person - don’t idealize them. From the eulogy forum thread comes this beautifully written thought:
In the wan light of grief, annoying habits become endearing eccentricities; it feels good to honor the person who really lived, and not some idealized version that never existed.
4. You don’t have to make people laugh. Moments of levity and humour are fine, and even welcome during a funeral service. However, if humour doesn’t come naturally to you, don’t force it. A trivial detail which people can relate to is often all that is required:
The only thing I remember about my grandmother’s eulogy was the priest describing how he could always tell she was in line for the Eucharist, because he could hear the tinkling of the armful of bracelets she perpetually wore. It was such a wonderful detail that it captured so much about her — her faith, her style, her position in her church. It was a lovely detail and I remember how much we all smiled and laughed when the priest said it — a bit of joy in the midst of our grief.
5. You don’t have to get it exactly right. The exact words that you use and whether they come out right or not - is not important. This is not a business presentation. Nobody’s taking notes.
6. You don’t have to have a complicated structure. Here’s an easy formula for your eulogy or speech. Think of three qualities the person has. Talk about each quality with a short story or anecdote to illustrate each one.

-for the complete text visit http://www.speakingaboutpresenting.com/presentation-philosophy/funeral-speech-eulogy/

How to Bury a Country Man

http://www.kudzufiles.com/?m=200601

Here is an excerpt from writer and minister Curt Iles' blog 'Creekbank Blog'. Here Mr. Iles gives some advice to his fellow ministers on conducting funeral services for country folk. I think it's sound advice for a conducting services for any family.

How to Bury a Country Man
“The thing about common sense is that it ain’t common, Son.”
–Erik Pederson (whom we recently buried in his jeans and khaki shirt.)

I’m not an expert on how they conduct funerals in other parts of the country, but I’ve been part of dozens of Southern funerals. Funerals where we lovingly laid to rest country men—and country women.
Most of what I’ve learned on country funerals is from watching and listening.
I firmly believe there is no greater privilege and responsibility than to be called on by a family to help bury their loved one. Here are some tidbits to guide you.

1. Above all, spend time with the family. Nothing replaces being present. You don’t even have to say flowery words. Honestly, they won’t remember many things you say, but will never forget the gift of your presence. This begins with the first viewing by the family. In our part of Louisiana, this is always an hour before public viewing. It is the family’s first viewing of their loved one in a casket. It is an emotional and tender time. Whether the loved one has been ill for months or died suddenly, it is a difficult moment for the family. Get there early and pray with them as a group, then go in and be present. Don’t feel as if you must say a great deal. Honestly, answer their questions even if the answer is “I don’t know.” Let your words be few, yet real. The old Irish always said at their wakes, ‘I’m so sorry for your loss.’ That says a great deal. Telling people “I love you and I’m praying for you” is what they need to hear and feel. During the time of the wake and visitation, spend time with the family. It will provide an opportunity for them to share stories and reminisce.

http://creekcpg.blogspot.com/
Curt Iles

2. Plan the service. Most of the time, the family will tell you how they’d like the service conducted—what songs and when, who reads the obituary, etc. Part of our job is to write down an outline of the service, if no one else has. Make copies for the musicians, funeral directors, other speakers, pallbearers. Make sure everyone is on the same page. There is nothing more disconcerting than blank stares when no one knows what is next.

3. Before going in to the service, gather the pallbearers and other speakers and pray. The pallbearers are often grandsons, nephews, or close friends. It’s a tender time for them, so gather them in a circle and pray with and for them, as well as the family.

4. Before walking in, make sure your coat is buttoned and your fly is zipped. This may not sound important, but I’ve seen it ignored, and “it ain’t a pretty sight.”

5. If you are reading the obituary, know how to pronounce every name and double check every detail with an informed family member.Country folk will correct you from the pew if you mispronounce “Aunt Minerva’s” name. It is a sign of courtesy to be prepared for this. Also in your sermon notes, write the name of the deceased with a black marker at the top of the page. I’ve seen ministers forget the deceased’s name or mispronounce it, which usually brings a loud correction from the next of kin and kills the spirit of the service.

6. When you walk to the podium to speak, draw a mental box around the immediate family and speak to them. Block out the crowd, the location, the flowers. It is just you, the family, and the body of their loved one.The family is the ones who matter most and by speaking directly to them, you’re ministering to everyone present.

7. Keep the content of your message simple: You’re there to lift up Jesus and remind all present that He is the only way to Heaven. You can never go wrong in lifting Him up. Use scriptures throughout your message—familiar scriptures that the grieving folks have heard all of their life take on a full and new meaning at this time. Also, in the case of every person who has lived, their life has dignity and their funeral is a time to celebrate that life. In the case of country folks, which is done best through stories. That’s why spending time with the family is so essential. I ask, “If you were standing up there tomorrow, what would you say? What story do you think describes your mother the best?”

8. Pray earnestly aloud. Pray from your heart, asking God to comfort these folks.

http://creekcpg.blogspot.com/

9. With the end of the service, your job is not finished. In fact, your presence and love during the closing is just as important. The directors open the casket and the gathered mourners, beginning at the back of the building, file by. As a pastor, you’ll stand beside the casket. Many folks will give you a nod as they pass, some will hug you, or offer a word of thanks. Most will respectfully stop at the casket and say goodbye in gestures or words.Usually many of those filing by will hug or speak to the family members on the front pew. This part of the service can take a good amount of time. I always remind myself that this is a very necessary part of getting closure—for everyone present.Then as the last passerby exits, it’s time for the family to say goodbye. Once again, this cannot be rushed and is a sacred time.When I speak at funerals, I’m able to keep my emotions in check. However when the family members come to the casket, I lose all composure. As I watch a teenage granddaughter place her head on PaPaw’s chest weeping on his freshly starched overalls, I weep with her.As two sons steady their old mother and she looks for the last time on this earth at the face of her husband of sixty years, I weep. It’s not a put on or for show. It comes from my heart. I once was ashamed of this, but have come to realize that sharing ‘the gift of tears’ with folks is important.When the last family member has left, your job is to stand there as the directors close the casket, and escort the body to the hearse.

10. Let me be brief on the cemetery service: be brief. This is not the time to preach or say a great deal. Scripture, prayer, and your concern are all that is needed at this time.

11. Finally, don’t rush away from the cemetery. Linger and hug on grandchildren and kiss older ladies on the cheek. They are now your family and you are theirs. When you help a family bury a country man—or country woman—you become linked at the heart. And the years and miles will not diminish the bond you share.I always try to return to John 11 when Jesus visits the tomb of his friend Lazarus. That chapter is so full of Jesus’ wisdom for leading a family or group through grief. The words of Isaiah the coming Savior says it clearly: “. . . a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.”As followers of that same Savior named Jesus, we are called to be well acquainted with grief. It allows us to lock hearts with those hurting and grieving.

It's a calling.

It is an honor.

It’s a privilege.

for the full text of this post, and more great Curt Iles writing and stories, visit http://creekbankblog.blogspot.com/

What to Say to the Grieving

http://blog.lanpher.com/

When someone you care about is grieving, it can be a challenge to find the right words to say in a note, or when you see them. I have posted some ideas about what not to say, here are some things to consider saying. Please remember though, that it's about them, not you. Truly listening and responding with empathy is more important than any sympathetic statement or gesture you can think up beforehand.

• 'You are in my thoughts'... Let them know that you appreciate the significance of their loss, and that you are concerned about them. If you have included them in your prayers, let them know that too.



• 'I remember'... Share a special memory of the deceased. There is no greater gift than learning something new and wonderful about a person we've lost. Reminding a grieving person of an old favorite story can be wonderful gift as well.



• 'I will miss'... Even though your focus should be on the grieving person, and not on yourself, let them know that you too will miss this special person, and that you share in their loss.



• 'I would like to'....It's certainly nice to say "We're here for you, let us know if we can help with anything", but take it one step further by offering help with something specific. 'We'd like to bring over meals for you on Wednesdays' or 'we'd like to take care of your snow shovelling this year' or 'I can take you to the grocery store'. You don't have to insist, but being specific about what you could help with makes it easier for them to take you up on your offer.



• 'We love you'...This is what is most important, and it encompasses all the previous ideas. When we lose someone, we need to know that we are loved and cared for. If you can communicate this by your presence, thoughfulness, words or actions, you have made a difference.
  

http://www.rhul.ac.uk/visitors-guide/images/sympathy.html

Briton Riviere, RA: Sympathy

Surviving Holiday Grief

http://www.penicuiksilverband.com/pastevents.htm

Holidays are a difficult time for those of us who are grieving. We all have an expectation of happiness and joy during the holidays that may be difficult to achieve even during the best of times. When we are grieving, this can be complicated even further. Sometimes we don't feel like celebrating with a deep loss in our thoughts. Sometimes we'd like to join in the festivities, but can't enjoy them. Sometimes the absence of our loved one and the void they have left in holiday traditions make these days almost unbearable.

http://www.cakescookiesandcraftsshop.co.uk/acatalog/Religious-Cookie-Cutters.html

Here are some suggestions for surviving the holidays:

1. Start a new tradition

Take some special time together as a family or group of friends to remember the person you miss. Stories help to keep their memory alive and keep them a part of your holiday traditions. Something wonderful also happens when you share these stories. Because we all know a different part of a person, we have different stories and memories. When we share them we can all learn something new about the person we love- what a wonderful holiday gift!

http://www.discoversd.com/mag/hotels-and-travel/322.html

2. Revive an old tradition

Did mom always make cookies for Christmas? You might not make them as well as she did, but picking up that tradition and carrying it on can be healing and meaningful for you and the rest of the family. The tradition you choose to revive can be small and quirky or more elaborate, but don't try to take too much on at once. The point is to enjoy it and to keep the gift alive. Enlist family and friend to help you and remember your love done together while you do it.

3. Share

Do you wonder what to say to a grieving friend or relative during the holidays? Do you find yourself avoiding the topic of their loss? Here's an idea. Share one of your memories of the deceased, or tell about their impact on your life, or the way they helped someone else. You can't make things okay, and you shouldn't try. What you can do is acknowledge and empathise with your friend's situation. You can't do that if you ignore the loss or treat it like it's something inconsequential. This is something you can do in written form too. Write down your memories for a wonderful and lasting gift.

Children and Grief

http://www.mlive.com/grpress/lifestyles/index.ssf/2008/11/gildas_club_expands_reach_of_k.html

Children experience loss at least as profoundly as adults, but they have more limited abilities to understand death and to communicate their feelings. It is vitally important for children to have the opportunity to talk about death and to participate in the funeral services of their loved ones. One wise grandmother I know made a point of taking her grandchildren to the funerals of people the children knew, but were not very close to, when they were young. She knew that the day would come when the children would experience the loss of a close relative, and she wanted them to be prepared for the realities of the situation at a time when it would be easier for them emotionally.

Following is some good advice for dealing with grieving children from an article on grief counselling for youngsters on mlive.com

LISTEN, LEARN, HELP
To help a child who is suffering the loss of a loved one:
• Know that children may have trouble putting their feelings into words.
• Know their behavior may "speak" for them. Feelings of anger or fear of abandonment may show up in behavior.
• Explain dying in simple, direct language. For example, to a young child, you might explain that part of the loved one's body does not work well any more, and without that part working, he or she will die.
• When talking with children, use the proper words, such as "cancer" and "died." Euphemisms such as "passed away," or "she is sleeping" can confuse children and lead to misunderstanding.
• Respond to children with warmth, sensitivity and patience. Answer children's questions but don't overload them with information.
• Allow the child to participate in caring for the terminally ill individual in a way that is meaningful for the child.
• Allow for diversion from the intensity of the situation with opportunities for play and recreation.
• Reassure children they are safe. They often worry they will die, too, or another loved one will die.
• A warm hug and a listening ear can be most reassuring.
• When the death occurs, encourage children to participate in mourning rituals, such as the funeral, if they choose. Explain in advance what they can expect.
• By openly expressing their feelings, adults show children it is natural to grieve when a loved one dies and that pain will ease over time.

-for the full article, visit
http://www.mlive.com/grpress/lifestyles/index.ssf/2008/11/gildas_club_expands_reach_of_k.html