Don't Bury me in a Suit!

www.kansan.com/photos/2008/mar/27/2185/

When we picture a funeral in our mind, or see one portrayed in a movie, its usually a pretty formal affair. The men are all in dark suits and the ladies are in long black dresses. For better or worse, the reality is often very different. At many funerals and especially visitations, very casual clothing has become the norm, and that's why I am often surprised when families mention so sheepishly that they would rather dad not wear a suit in his casket.

Personally, I think this situation is completely backwards from the way it should be. When we attend the funeral services for someone else, it's about them, and we should dress respectfully. We don't need to necessarily go out and buy something new, but if we own something nice, we should by all means go to the trouble of wearing it to the funeral and visitation.

http://homepages.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~clanboyd/cassidy.htm

When we are at our own funeral, it's about us, and if we never liked to be in anything but our bib overalls, that's what we should be buried in. There are some people who would never want to be caught dead in a suit. If they are alive, they can dress up out of respect for the occasion, but when they die, don't let them be caught dead in that suit.

http://www.archives.gov.on.ca/english/exhibits/agriculture/big/big_81_farmer_portrait.htm

I've buried people in their bib overalls, jeans, military and athletic uniforms (they often don't fit like they did 40 years ago), cowboy duds, Norwegian sweaters, black leather and pajamas. They looked great, and I believe that burying some of them in a suit would have been a crime.

When I die, though, please bury me in a nice suit. Fold the handkerchief in my breast pocket just right, and make sure my tie has a nice dimple in the middle.
(originally posted 12/19/08)

The Sympathy Note: Advice from the Art of Manliness Blog

In previous posts, I have shared some of my own thoughts and the work of others on the very important topic of what to say to the grieving. Yesterday on the consistently useful and interesting "Art of Manliness" website, writers Brett and Kate McKay gave some of the best advice I've read on the subject. In discussing the art of writing a sympathy note, and sharing their own experience in receiving sympathy notes after the loss of a child, they demonstrate the importance of writing these notes and give a great tutorial on how to do it. Most of this advice is just as useful when talking to the bereaved. Here's a taste. For the full text, visit The Art of Manliness.

How to Write a Sympathy Note

Use nice stationery. Casual notes can be written on whatever is handy. But the sympathy note requires something nicer. Death is the gravest of matters and your medium should reflect your respect for the weight of the situation.

Keep it short and simple. A lot of men can’t get started writing because they think they have to come up with something deep and philosophical about death, dying, and hope. While the bad news is that there’s nothing you can write to take away a person’s pain, the good news is that the grieving friend knows this just as well as you do. They’re not expecting something profound. They just want to know that you’re thinking of them and feeling for them.

Start off by expressing your sadness at hearing about the death. “I was so sorry to hear about the death of your father.”

Share a memory. There’s not much you can do to alleviate someone’s grief, but sharing a memory of the deceased person comes close. It gives the person a few moments to laugh and remember. And it warms their heart to know that others have special memories of their loved one that they carry with them. Share some of the special qualities and favorite memories about the deceased.

If you didn’t know the person your friend lost, then skip this step. If your friend lost a baby, tell them that you understand that even though your friend never got to meet their child, they’re grieving over the loss of the future they’ve been dreaming about with him or her.

Don’t try to explain the loss. If you’re a religious person, don’t offer platitudes like “This is God’s plan,” or “This is God’s will.” This might be something the person comes to believe in the future, but in the midst of their grief, the idea of God snatching their loved one from the earth is liable to piss them off. I knew a guy who lost his wife in a car accident, leaving him to raise his 5 young children alone. He said to me, “If I hear one more person say, ‘God needed her more in heaven,’ I’m going to knock them out.”

Don’t compare your loss with theirs. This is especially true if you haven’t experienced the exact same thing. If their child has died, don’t tell them how you know what they’re going through because your dog just expired last week. You’ll come off as callous and tick them off. If you have experienced a similar loss, a reference to your ability to truly sympathize is appropriate. But don’t go on and on about how you felt during that time; the focus should remain on the other person.

Show your solidarity. Let them know that you’re thinking and praying for them. If you or your friend or family member is not religious and a reference to prayer would not be appropriate, simply say, “My heart and thoughts go out to you during this difficult time.”

Close by offering your help. Let the person know that if there is anything you can do for them or if they ever want to talk or hang out, to please let you know.

Photos: The Art of Manliness, Books do Furnish a Room

The Last Word on Funeral Clothing; Courtesy of Charles Cowling

This blog has seen a lot of discussion concerning appropriate clothing lately. In the Weeds looked at the tradition of mourning clothing, and explored some modern day expressions of it. In The Shrouded Way, the dehumanizing effect requiring shrouds for cremation was discussed. The ways in which clothing can be an expression of the deceased was the subject of Don't Bury Me in a Suit.

Stanley Holloway in 'My Fair Lady'

However, I think that this post, borrowed from Charles Cowling's Good Funeral Guide puts it all in the right perspective. The purpose of funeral regulations and etiquette should be to show respect for the dead and provide comfort for the grieving. Rules should serve us, and not the other way around. Here, with pleasure is Stanley Holloway's 'Brahn Boots', along with printed lyrics for those of us who have difficulty understanding English. Thanks for this gem, Charles!

Our Aunt Hanna's passed away,

We 'ad her funeral today,

And it was a posh affair,

Had to have two p'licemen there!

The 'earse was luv'ly, all plate glass,

And wot a corfin!... oak and brass!

We'd fah-sands weepin', flahers galore,

But Jim, our cousin... what d'yer fink 'e wore?

Why, brahn boots!

I ask yer... brahn boots!

Fancy coming to a funeral

In brahn boots!

I will admit 'e 'ad a nice black tie,

Black fingernails and a nice black eye;

But yer can't see people orf when they die,

In brahn boots!

And Aunt 'ad been so very good to 'im,

Done all that any muvver could for 'im,

And Jim, her son, to show his clars...

Rolls up to make it all a farce,

In brahn boots...

I ask yer... brahn boots!

While all the rest,

Wore decent black and mourning suits.

I'll own he didn't seem so gay,

In fact he cried most part the way,

But straight, he reg'lar spoilt our day,

Wiv 'is brahn boots.

In the graveyard we left Jim,

None of us said much to him,

Yus, we all gave 'im the bird,

Then by accident we 'eard ...

'E'd given 'is black boots to Jim Small,

A bloke wot 'ad no boots at all,

So p'raps Aunt Hanna doesn't mind,

She did like people who was good and kind.

But brahn boots!

I ask yer... brahn boots!

Fancy coming to a funeral,

In brahn boots!

And we could 'ear the neighbours all remark

"What, 'im chief mourner? Wot a blooming lark!

"Why 'e looks more like a Bookmaker's clerk...

In brahn boots!"

That's why we 'ad to be so rude to 'im,

That's why we never said "Ow do!" to 'im,

We didn't know... he didn't say,

He'd give 'is other boots away.

But brahn boots!

I ask yer... brahn boots!

While all the rest,

Wore decent black and mourning suits!

But some day up at Heavens gate,

Poor Jim, all nerves, will stand and wait,

'til an angel whispers... "Come in, Mate,

"Where's yer brahn boots?"

Funeral Etiquette: Tempus Fugit

http://www.coolhunting.com/archives/2006/10/momento_mori_de.php

Time flies when you're having a funeral, especially during an hour long visitation before the service. It seems that in the last 20 minutes before the service starts, everyone shows up and wants to give their condolences to the family. I know that schedules are tight and friends have only a limited time to spend at a service, but let me explain why you should really try to arrive early.

Funerals, unlike weddings almost always have to start on time. Because people have a limited time to attend services, the funeral director wants to start the service on time out of respect for those who need to return to their jobs, or other responsibilities. In addition to the guests and funeral home staff, the cemetery and vault staff have schedules to meet and the ladies downstairs in the lunchroom are waiting to serve lunch and be on their way.

http://en.rian.ru/russia/20090121/119728669.html

Most important of all, however, is the family. Here's what happens when everyone shows up right before the service and wants to see them. The family feels compelled to visit with everyone who has come to support them, but they also need to say their goodbyes before gathering with Pastor for a prayer and a moment to catch their breath before the service starts. The result, unfortunately is that the family either feels bad for not visiting with guests, or they miss their chance to properly say their goodbyes.

The time that a family spends saying goodbye and looking for the last time upon their loved one is difficult, emotional, draining, and very important. Receiving support from friends is very important too. Please come to early to funerals and visit and support the family, but if you have to arrive right before the service starts, don't put the family in a tough spot. Visit with them after the service.

Ask Judy

Advice for the dying, and for those who care about them.

http://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/bios/judy_bachrach/search?contributorName=Judy%20Bachrach

Judy Bachrach

Award-winning Vanity Fair writer and hospice volunteer, Judy Bachrach, answers readers' questions and offers advice for anyone needing help on the most critical part of life -- a last act that, because of medical advances and early diagnoses, many of us are consciously living out for months and even years.

It is her years of work as a hospice volunteer that compelled her to start an advice column on dying for people facing critical issues dealing with death and dying, often with little support.

"The most common and hardest part of life -- facing and dealing with death and dying -- happens to be the very area where almost no help is offered. Hospitals ignore the problem, friends and relatives often don't know what to do, and doctors seem embarrassed by their inability to keep everyone alive forever," Ms Bachrach stated.

As a funeral director and an etiquette buff, I find Judy's advice to be well researched, thoughtful, and helpful. Her site is a great resource for those of us who realize the need to face up to complicated issues surrounding dying and death.

http://www.thecheckoutline.org/

Here are two of the many compelling questions Judy answers every week.

Dear Judy,
I’ll make this short. My breast cancer has recurred, third time; I am 37. We thought we had it beat the first time around. My oncologist has told me to “get my affairs in order.”
One of my “affairs”: My kids, 10 and 9. What do I tell them? Can I not tell them? What do I tell my mother, who has breast cancer herself, but not as bad as me. The prognosis for me is 100 percent bleak.
Sharon in Illinois

Dear Sharon,
I am so sorry about your recurrence, and sorry as well for your children — and your mother. Obviously, you must tell your mother the bad news at once: she will want to know, and she may be a help both to you and the children now, as well as much later when she can talk to the children about you, and probably (if she is well enough, despite her condition) help care for them as well.
Your children also must hear the truth, and I think they must hear it soon. Euphemisms are not a good idea. Phrases like, “Mommy is going away for a long time,” makes them think, in this day and age, that you are getting a divorce. A friend’s young children — when she told them much the same thing — asked why she couldn’t visit them on weekends.
So tell them you love them and that you are very likely dying. Tell them you have tried everything and nothing has worked. There is nothing else to do. I would also, of course, recommend a kind and thoughtful therapist for the children to see, both now and for later. That’s important. And as many relations as you can muster to be with them.
You haven’t mentioned a spouse, either present or former. If you are — or were — married, or have a steady man in your life, he should be by your side. And he should, once you are finished speaking, be there for them.
Thank you for writing
Judy

Dear Judy,
I have a dear friend with a virus in his heart — cardiac myopathy, I’m told, something I’d never heard of before. For some reason he just hasn’t been selected for a transplant. He’s dying. He lives in New York. I live on the other Coast. He says he’s too tired for visitors, and I think he’s also too depressed and plain sad.
I really do want to see him. I can fly out any time. When I phone, I just don’t know what to say except that — that I want to see him. But I also don’t want to put him out, or act like he has to see me when he’s weak and tired and sad. I don’t know what to say or do when we speak. I can hardly bring myself to call, I feel like crying all the time.
Do you have any advice?
Lucy in Orange County

Dear Lucy,
I am so very sorry about your friend. I know you want to see him once more. But he has made this much clear: he is not ready at this time for visits, even from those he loves. To be honest, he may not ever change his mind.
What you must understand is that his reluctance has nothing to do with his feelings towards you. The dying very often are weak and depressed — and patients with very severe cardiac myopathy (about 20 percent of those who get it) suffer especially overwhelming fatigue, in addition to fever, weakened left ventricular functions and bad chest pains.
In other words, visits, even from those closest to them, are tremendously taxing. Also, and I suspect this is the case with your friend, many are worried they might not be able to welcome guests as they deserve. Sometimes the disease progresses even after the virus is long gone. The immune system keeps on damaging the heart.
So for now, I’d suggest offering other forms of love and consolation. Continue phoning, no matter how difficult the conversations. But when you call, be practical. If he loves movies, maybe you might offer to rent some for him from an online video site. If you know his taste in books, you might buy and send a few. If there are prepared foods he enjoys, these too can be delivered.
In other words help out without making it seem a huge effort. He will know by these gestures how much he is loved and valued. And you will feel useful and appreciated.
Thank you for writing
Judy

for more great questions and spot-on answers, visit The Checkout Line at http://www.thecheckoutline.org/wordpress/category/advice/