Funeral Procession Passes Through Farm, Boys Share Casket

Tractor pays silent tribute to Farmer during procession 

Actual undertaking has occupied all of my attention in the last weeks as the communities I serve said goodbye to some of our oldest and youngest members.  They were all very different services, but like the two stories that caught my attention in the news recently, ritual and participation helped to make them meaningful and healing.

In rural New Jersey, the funeral procession for 86 year old farmer, Jerry Cervenka wound its way through his farm and lifelong home on the way to the cemetery.  The procession is one of the oldest of funerary traditions, and presents a wonderful opportunity for personally meaningful rituals.  In Mr. Cervenka's case, the tractors and farm trucks, many that had been a part of his  daily life for decades, were lined up to pay silent tribute to Mr. Cervekna as he visited home one last time.  Borrowing a page from Victorian rituals, the lead tractor was draped in a black cloth.  

I have been involved in many processions like farmer Cervenka's that took 'the scenic route'.  Sometimes it is a loop around the farm, sometimes a last stop at the lake house or business.  They have been done on the way to the funeral, on the way to the cemetery, or even just a special drive taken the day before services.  In every case, they have been emotionally powerful reminders of what has been most important in life.  

Most notable in these rituals is their physicality.  The mourners in each case believed firmly that the spirit of the deceased was no longer one with it's earthly body, but bringing that body to the special places had meaning, just as carrying that body, or saying goodbye to it does.  Acting out these rituals physically has the power to transform our experience of the spiritual in ways that talking and intellectualizing just cannot accomplish.  This is why we gather physically to engage in ceremony along with the remains of the deceased.    

Stickers adorn the Powell boys' shared casket

In Puyallup, Washington, 7 and 5 year old brothers, Charlie and Braden Powell were lowered into the ground, sharing the same casket.   The victims of their father's murder/suicide, the emotional pain and grief involved was overwhelming for family, friends, and everyone involved.   

Certainly nothing in the funeral service could take away the tragedy or horror of what lead to the boys death.  Looking beyond the way things are usually done and burying the boys together, however, must have provided a level of comfort to the bereaved.  Participation in an improvised ritual, also helped the survivors express their love of the boys with a meaningful goodbye.    

   "A group of nine family members gathered around the casket for a dedication, before the boys’ aunts handed out Lightening McQueen stickers from the movie “Cars” as well as Spiderman decorations to adorn the sides of the casket.

The boys loved the characters, the family reminisced. But on the outside of the casket, only stickers of their favorite heroes were allowed. Villains from the movies on the sticker sheets were set aside in a conscious effort to keep them away from any more evil, even if the stickers only represented fictional characters." -Salt Lake Tribune

In funeral service, it is easy for directors and families alike to concentrate on getting things done efficiently, and demonstrating respect and reverence in familiar ways.  Straying from these norms in creative ways can be daunting and risky, but it has the potential to make the whole service more meaningful and memorable.  

Its easier to just drive straight to the cemetery, or go with convention and bury each boy in his own casket.  We might want to avoid the appearance of disrespect by covering a casket with children's stickers.  It is up to us as mourners, however to make the most of our expression of love; and it is up to us as undertakers to facilitate this expression.  

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Together Forever  

Motorcycles and Mamas: Together Forever, Part 2

Motorcycles and Mamas: Together Forever, Part 2

This week, the web was abuzz with photos of a man embalmed on his motorcycle in Puerto Rico. Debate about the tastefulness, respect and even the legality of this type of embalming have been a subject of conversation among funeral service providers all over the world. Is it ethical to display a dead man frozen into a posture of riding a motorcycle? If so, what would be the limit to this type of display? Even if a family asks, and demonstrates that it was the wish of the deceased, should a funeral home agree to embalm a person holding a cigarette? a TV remote? a gun? an obscene gesture?

At a certain point, you're sure to upset some of the public and face serious questions about respect for the dead. It may be well and good for the family, if they believe it was truly appropriate, but a funeral home has a role to play in setting the appropriate level of respect paid to the deceased.

In November, 2008, I posted a story about a similar situation. A family having lost a mother and a sister asked that they be buried together in the same casket. The mother had cared for her profoundly disabled daughter through adulthood when both died within a day or two of one another. The first funeral home they asked refused to do it. They assumed it was illegal, and thought it was inappropriate.

The family, however, knew what they wanted, and went to another funeral home. After researching, the directors found that it was indeed legal. Not only that, it was the right thing to do for the family. It was a great comfort to them to know that mother and daughter were together as they had been in life.

In September of 2009, a friend of mine, Skip Johnson passed away after a long battle with cancer. Skip's daughter gave me two photos to accompany the obituary, and asked me to pick one to use. Both were nice, but I knew right away that Skip would want me to use the one showing him sticking his tongue out. I knew that his many friends would also appreciate seeing Skip stick his tongue out at death on the obit page. One of the local papers refused to run the picture. They said it was sacrilegious and disrespectful. Another ran it without question. I knew I might take some heat for this- and I got a little, but I knew it was the right thing to do. In fact, in looking back at all the ways, small and large, that I have found to make services meaningful, I would put my choice of photo up there among the most important.

Last week, the directors I work with and I were faced with a heart breaking situation. A young mother and her baby son had died tragically. Like the first family, they wanted them to be together. It took a group of us to do the embalming work. Not because we needed that many hands all the time, but to support one another emotionally in this very difficult situation. No one should have to be alone to do this kind of emotionally taxing work. With a group of us working together, it was possible to keep every one's spirits up to concentrate on the work instead of falling into a cycle of sad and disturbing thoughts. I was able to keep my composure throughout the work, but at the end, when we placed the baby into his mother's arms, adjusted into a natural and loving embrace, I finally lost it.

The sadness and tragedy were palpable, but what became emotionally overwhelming, was the beauty and peace we saw with mother and child together. This image didn't fix anything. It didn't change the circumstances. Some might say that it was stagecraft, a falsehood, a gruesome manipulation of two dead bodies. But for the family, and for those of us who were involved, it was beautiful, and appropriate, and the right thing to do.

So, what should we do or think about a man embalmed into a position riding his motorcycle? Is it tacky? Is it a publicity stunt? Is it a legal liability?

Should funeral directors refuse to perform manipulations like this? Well, I'm not a lawyer, I'm an Undertaker. I say follow your heart. If it's the right thing to do, you'll know it.