Grief on the Island: A post from Andy Kerr

Andy Kerr is a blogger who documents details of his family's daily life on Lake Winona, Indiana.  A recent post of his, Grief on the Island, is a very telling piece about our reactions when death takes place near us.  I really enjoyed this piece, and I'm sure you will too.  My thanks to Mr. Kerr for sharing his work with us:

I used to pass by it every morning on my way to work. A hammock, out at the end of the point. It was always up, summer, winter, spring and fall. A really lovely place to sit and watch a sunset, snuggle up. I never climbed into it myself (it's not mine, after all!) but I always appreciated the brilliance of the location and the view.

It's gone now.

Very late last night, the whole end of the Island was swarming with every kind of emergency vehicle, trying to extricate the two college students that had been laying in the hammock when the dead tree the hammock was connected to toppled over on top of them. The girl, Mallori Kastner, was pronounced dead at the scene. The guy, Jeremy Mohr, is apparently paralyzed from the neck down.

The hammock is gone. There's a growing pile of flowers there. The body of the tree is still there, half-rolled off into the water. And there are people, always people. I came across a group that I'm fairly certain included the girl's parents and siblings this afternoon, the mother talking about her daughter's hopes and dreams. I stayed out of the way.

What was I supposed to do?

It's so strange to be in the midst of grief. I came around the point yet again this evening, to find a silver minivan blocking the road, illuminating the wreath and flowers left there in the headlights. They quickly reversed and drove on, and I cursed myself for driving them off. I'd have gladly backed up and taken the other road, to let them sit and look. Rolling up next to them at the stoplight, I zipped down my window and apologized for running them off. They waved it off, but I could see in their eyes that they had other things on their minds. Sorry, silver-minivan-people-from-Illinois. I should let you grieve. My usual route wasn't that important.

What do you do when grief is so close by, but has nothing to do with you? My only connection is that I drive by that hammock every day, that I live just down the block, that I think I saw them snuggling under that tree over there, a few weeks ago, that I used to go to the same college... it's not a connection, really; who am I to intrude on their grief?

So why does it feel wrong to step back and do nothing?

to view the original post, visit  http://winonalakekerrs.blogspot.com/2010/09/grief-on-island.html

Andy Kerr

for more of Andy Kerr's work, visit his blog, Life at Patience Corners

Mourner's Kaddish? Visiting a Grave? There's an App For That

Just last week, I was excited to learn about Bosan, an iPhone app designed for Japanese families that facilitated a virtual grave honoring from anywhere in the world.  I wondered what would be next app for mourners.  Well, here are two more!

Kaddish, the Jewish Mourner's prayer, is recited publicly  every day for 11 months after a parent's death as a reaffirmation of faith.  This requirement can be difficult for many to fulfill properly though, as the prayer is in Aramaic.  Now there is help in the form of an iPhone app to tutor mourners in the pronunciation of this important prayer.  

Here is a description of the app from its creator, Davka Corporation:

iKaddish teaches the recitation of the Mourner’s Kaddish, which is one of the primary ritual observances of Jewish mourning practice.

 It is the ideal tutor for learning the difficult words and intonation of the Kaddish prayer, which is written in Aramaic. The text is displayed with vowelized Hebrew and transliteration. As the audio is played, both the Hebrew and transliteration are highlighted, one word at a time. Users can pause after each screen, tap the screen and listen again, or go forward to the next section. The program includes audio of the Kaddish in both Sephardic and Ashkenazic pronunciation. iKaddish includes the Mourner’s Kaddish and the Rabbis’ Kaddish.

 iKaddish also contains an explanatory section about the Kaddish that includes the English translation, as well as additional information about its recitation.

What else is out there for tech savvy mourners?

The 'Mourning Post' app...

This application allows you to visit and create memorials in conjunction with the web-site, The Mourning Post.com.   The memorials you create and visit may also be added to with photos, obituaries.  There is a guestbook that friends can sign and leave a note, and a timeline feature that allows for the posting of important events and chronological milestones from the life of the deceased.

Perhaps most impressive, this app also makes use of GPS, allowing the user to find and visit the funerals, resting places, and other significant locations of friends and family members in the real world.

The drawback on this app, and the Mourning Post site, is a frequent request to pay more for services.  Visitors are asked for payments to upgrade or perpetuate the listing.  This unfortunately gives the impression that the family is asking for money from the visitors- not the message they probably  want to convey.  I think the whole experience would be more meaningful if the revenue end was taken care of completely at the front end of the account creation process.

Here is a description and list of features from The Mourning Post:

The GPS feature will allow you to pinpoint all the significant locations and give directions if need be.As you travel the world the markers will appear, at that point you simply touch the marker to visit the memorial.

So if you're guilty of not visiting the gravesite as often as you should, fret not, now you may build a lasting memory and create a beautiful memorial that you can visit anywhere you find yourself thinking of the special one in your life.

So if they have lived in multiple locations or have traveled the globe and accomplished many things, or if you just want to carry the memory wherever

you go, you can now bring it all together into one very unique application.

SOME OF THE FEATURES INCLUDE:

- Search for memorials where you are or around the globe

- Create and view your own personal memorials

- Memorials feature (see website for details on different types of memorials):

- Information and description of your loved one

- Obituary

- Photos

- Map of locations that mattered to them (even include funeral/viewing locations to help your family/friends get directions)

- Timeline of significant events and accomplishments that occurred throughout their life

- Guestbook

- Share the memorial with your family and friends

- Send flowers

For More information about this app, visit The Mourning Post 

For more on The Mourner's Kaddish app, visit Davka Corporation

To read about the Japanese app, Bosan, visit 

 Bosan: The Grave Honoring App for iPhone

Fear Of Losing The Existence: Photography of John Clang

5/23/09
In his series 'fear of losing the existence', photographer John Chang examines the fear that many of us feel when contemplating or experiencing the death of loved one.  We hold on tightly in our fear of losing these precious memories.   We try to picture our loved ones and struggle to recall all of the details of our time together.  In December,  I posted a related piece, 'Dad's Hands', featuring an excerpt from the blog 'Born a Girl' in which the writer finds details of her lost father slipping from her memory.  She finds, however, that ultimately the important feelings and memories are never lost.  In  'A Grief Observed', author, C.S. Lewis encounters the same situation after losing his wife.  After a devastating loss, the thought that even our memories may fade away, makes that loss seem even more difficult to bear.  Lewis found, though, that when he stopped trying so hard to cling to his memories, and to picture clearly his beloved wife, that the images and memories came back to him.      

http://www.johnclang.com/

"The subject of this series is my parents-in-law.  They are currently in their 60’s, getting older and weaker each day.  We are separated by thousands of miles and I only get to see them once a year.  Each time I see them, they look different.  Their faces change with more wrinkles, their hair has grown thinner and they have become more fragile.  A sign of aging.  Sometimes when I miss them really badly, I realize I have difficulty in picturing their faces accurately in my mind. I’m very afraid that one day I will not be able to remember their faces anymore and we will become total strangers." -John Clang

http://www.johnclang.com/